Go-Go Dancing and Video Games

I’m sick of the video games, so I am going to rant about it.  Here is my rant.  Brian is addicted to video games.  He disagrees and says he just really likes playing them and it’s his way to unwind after working all day.  Yeah, that’s what an addict would say.  Just like the other day, I was trying to talk to him about my future and he was too preoccupied with video games to care. 

Me:  You are obsessed with video games!

Brian:  No I’m not.  (Obvious denial)

Me:  Yes you are!  The other day I was trying to talk to you about my future and you just ignored me and kept playing video games.

Brian:  I don’t remember that. (Making excuses, defending his habit.)

Me:  That hurts my feelings.  Obviously you don’t care.

Brian:  What future plans did we talk about? (The addiction is making him forget things.)

Me:  The go-go dancing!

Brian:  That reminds me, can you get a snack for me please?

Last night I was watching a Louis CK video on YouTube and on the side there was another video for the Conan O’Brien show.  So I clicked on that.  That led me to a video of a motherfucking llama on a surfboard, which led me to a video of a llama dance, and finally ending on a video of some go-go dancing lessons.  It was clearly a linear process.  Anyway, then I started watching go-go dancing videos and decided I want to be a go-go dancer.  So I googled, “How to become a go-go dancer”.  On Yahoo Answers, someone said you just have to be over 18, hot, and a good dancer.  Hey 1/3 isn’t bad!  So I walked over to Brian and yelled, “Hey I want to be a go-go dancer.”  From under his headphones he said, “Wow, that’s nice.”  Obviously he didn’t hear anything I said.  I decided that it would be better to do my go-go dance to prove that I can do this.  In doing a dip I smacked my forehead on the TV stand.  Brian started laughing and said, “What are you doing?” That he noticed...of course. 

I said, “I’m going to be a go-go dancer.” 

Brian said, “You should maybe get a helmet while you’re in training.  Move away from the furniture and sharp objects and show me what you’ve got.” 

So I did an amazing dance (it’s my story), and when I shook my butt he slapped it and said, “Hey can you get me a snack please.” 

Then Brian died. (It’s still my story.)

Lessons I learned;  1.  If you’re going to go-go dance, get a helmet while in training.  2.  Llamas really, really don’t like to surf.  3.  They like to dance.  4. Get your own goddamn snack!  5.  Brian is no longer addicted to video games, because he’s dead.

Go the F to sleep or I'll spray you with chloroform!

To be honest, I don’t really like kids.  I love my kids, and I love my little cousins, but other people's kids are just whatever.  When it comes to my kids, and my little cousins, I mean I really love them.  They are the coolest people I know.  They are so funny and so cute 90 percent of the time.  It’s that other 10 percent…

The other night, Kaydance exercised that other 10 percent.  At 12:30 in the morning she started crying so I drug myself out of bed, giving Brian a dirty look in the dark, obviously mad at him because he just laid there sleeping.  He can be such a jerk sometimes, sleeping and all.  I walked into Kaydance’s room and as soon as she saw me she started laughing.  She had decided today was the day to get up at midnight and play.  She gets her jerkiness from her father I think.  I tried laying her down and rubbing her belly and singing her a lullaby.  No dice.  This brat wasn’t going back to sleep.

Brian got up and met me in the living room.  I sat her on the floor and she just laughed.  There’s nothing funny about being up at midnight when you have to get up for work in five hours.  Then she got up and ran over to her toy box and just started flinging toys out of the toy box laughing.  She’s a monster sent here to destroy me. 

I put her in my lap and tried rocking her in the recliner to get her to go back to sleep and she just wiggled away from me and got down.  I just thought whatever.  She can play and I will go to sleep here in the recliner.  So I stretched out and closed my eyes.  Two minutes later she ran up and bit my big toe!  I said, “Oww!  No, that is not nice!  Bad baby.”  She just giggled and ran away.  So apparently not only is she not going to sleep, no one is going to sleep.  This was definitely the other 10 percent.  So I got out my iPad and we watched a couple videos together. 

Me:  Do you know where we could get chloroform?

Brian:  No, why?

Me:  Just wondering.

Brian:  Are you thinking about chloroforming our daughter.

Me:  It’s just an idea.  I haven’t decided anything.  I got it from this video.

Brian:  You’re just watching those to entertain yourself.

Me:  Why would she get to pick the videos?  She is a jerk.

Me:  (reading aloud to this video) Kaydance, just go the fuck to sleep.

Brian:  What if she remembers you showing her videos of people chloroforming their children and telling her to go the fuck to sleep.

Me:  Then she’ll know not to fuck with me again.

Brian:  I worry about you.

Me:  Good, that means you’re sensible.  Want to watch a video of Hitler dancing Gangnam Style?

I am thankful

This weekend, just like every other weekend, I am thankful.   I’m thankful that this blog has received over 2000 hits in just over a month. I am thankful for my amazing friends who fed my family and me two Thanksgiving dinners.  I am thankful for my health and happiness.  I could write forever about the things I am thankful for.  But the number one thing I am thankful for is my family.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for my family.

Brian and Shylee

 

 Shylee on the swing

 

Brian

 

 Shylee

 Kaydance

Brian and Kaydance

PS That isn't a crack pipe Brian is holding, it's an electric cigarette, that looks like a crack pipe/ travel hookah/ reminds me of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland every time he uses it.

Finding My Party Dress

We went to H&M because I needed a holiday party dress.  Sure I have other dresses but those are dumb.  On our way to H&M we stopped at a sandwich shop, a no-public-toilet-because-they’re-gay-like-that sandwich shop.  As soon as I went to take a bite Shylee said, “Mommm I have to pee right now!!!!!!” I just looked at her like, I bet she would be FINE if I just left her in the woods to fend for herself.  She smiled back like Look how cute I can be.  I would get eaten on my first night for sure.  Despite the sign with the sad face next to a WC, I asked the lady behind the counter.  Not only did they not have a public restroom, so no longer spoke English.  I’m sure this was due to a solar flare or momentary mental breakdown. 

So we ate our food super quick and walked outside to find not a single WC sign anywhere. Well, we were going to H&M, so maybe they had a public restroom for a cute little redhead (who was looking less cute to me at the moment).  Brian went up and asked a sales associate. 

“Oh yeah, in the back of the room, right over there,” she said.  She pointed us around the corner behind a big rack of clothes, which happened to be a wall.  Thanks.  I asked another sales associate who said the store next door has a public restroom, so we went there.

We found a sign for the WC on the second floor so we went to the elevator to take the stroller and posse upstairs.  I pushed the button and we waited for six years (time is sped up when you have a kid that has to go to the bathroom right now!).   The elevator doors finally opened and it was completely full of unopened boxes of clothes.  Yeah, because storage rooms are so last season. 

To the escalator it was.  Brian is better at putting the stroller on the escalator than I am, but since I had it, and he was holding Shylee’s hand, that’s how we got on. The reason that I’m so terrible at this is because I can’t get my timing up, and my sense of distance proves itself. The front wheels of the stroller were on one step, the back wheels were on another step, because of the handles I was two steps back which seemed fine until the floor became stairs and I was practically lying on the escalator being dragged up by the stroller.  I saw the end of the escalator coming up so I made a run for it.  I had to apologize to Shylee for hitting her in the back with the stroller and knocking her down.  I can’t help that escalators are tricky mo-fos.

We finally found where the toilets were, in the back of the store. I traded Brian for the stroller, and he gave me Shylee (because since I was so lucky to have girls I will be the only parent taking them to the bathroom FOREVER).  Anyway, I opened the door that said WC, to find three doors marked with symbols for men, women, and handicapped. I went up to the women’s bathroom to open the door and it was locked.  There was a change collector on the door that would take your 50 Euro cents to let you in.  F*ck.  I left my wallet in the stroller.  So back out we went.  I found Brian looking at leather pants in the men’s department, immediately ignored that, and grabbed my wallet.  There was one 50 cent piece left.  Perfect.  We went back to the bathroom and it took my coinage, and remained locked.  “Ahh, you Nazi.”  Shylee reminded me that we don’t say that here..in Germany.  My bad. 

I went back out and finally found my 5’8” husband among 6’ coat racks.  It was a little like going through a corn maze, only the isles were tighter and I had a kindergartener with me telling me she couldn’t hold it anymore.  I got a 50 cent piece from him and saw a sales associate on my way back. I told her that the bathroom was locked and it ate my coinage.  She said she would get housekeeping.  Housekeeping?  We waited for as long as humanly possible (about two minutes of Shylee’s whining) and I put my coinage in the handicapped bathroom.  Voila!  It opened up right away so I said, “Shylee, come on it’s open!” 

Shylee, No!  That’s for wheely people! 

Me:  There aren’t any people in wheel chairs in front of us, let’s just use this.

I was stretched out trying to hold the bathroom door open with my foot because if it closed I would have to go find Brian again and get more change, and grab her to bring her in at the same time. 

I grabbed her by the arm and drug her in as she was yelling, I’m not a wheely person, I’m not a wheely person!

She went to the bathroom, I drug Brian away from the matching leather jackets and we walked back to H&M, just in time for school to be out and every high schooler in the city to show up at H&M and swarm in behind us.  FML.

On the plus side, I did find a cute Christmas party dress.  I can’t wait to go shopping for the accessories to go with it.  I would use the ones I already have, but they’re dumb.  I can’t use those. 

;-)

Ignore the distracting clutter in the background.