Friday, March 22, 2013

Shh! There Are Bears


My five year old, Shylee, and I were walking out to the car this morning, having an argument.  To be honest, she started it.  Then...she finished it.

Shylee:  Oh man, Momma.  You are pretty!

Me:  Thanks honey.  Have I told you that you’re my favorite?

Shylee:  I thought so.  You’re so lucky that you look like me.

Me:  What?

Shylee:  That’s why you’re pretty.  You look just like me.

Me:  Whoa, whoa, sister.  I had this face way before you came along.  You look like me.

Shylee:  Yeah okay.

Me:  Not, yeah okay.  You look like me not the other way around!

(I apparently talked about this too much for her.)

Shylee:  Shhhhh!!!!

Me:  Did you just shh me?!  Seriously kid?

Shylee:  Yep, there are bears out here.  Better be quiet.  It would stink if they ate you.  I can’t reach the gas so I need you to drive me to school.
 
Whatever.  She said I was pretty.

 

 

Monday, March 18, 2013

Why My Husband Works Nights

There are two things you need to know.  One, my husband Brian works nights, so even on the weekends he’s usually awake when I’m sleeping.  Two, the neighbors who live below us are so loud!  At least once a week they are so loud that they wake up the baby.  Usually they keep their nosiness to late evening hours...usually. 
About a week ago at three o’clock in the morning I heard buzzing and couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.  Then that’s all I heard.  WAN WAN WAN WAN.  Holy hell.  So I stuffed my pillow over my head.  WAN WAN WAN WAN WAN WAN WAN.  If I wasn’t in bed alone I would have shook someone until the buzzing stopped.  This may be one of the reasons Brian works nights. 
I thought maybe it was my phone that was vibrating.  So I climbed out of bed and grabbed my phone.  I still heard that ridiculous vibrating.  Not my phone.  It was so loud, echoing around in my early morning brain that I thought it must be an old phone or iPod going off under my bed. 
I climbed under my bed and searched all around.  WAN WAN WAN WAN WAN I couldn’t find the source of the vibrating!!!!  And no, for the record, nothing inappropriate was vibrating if that’s where your brain went, as mine did while I typed this out.

I put my ear down to the floor.  It was definitely coming from the people who live below me.  I was just about to get out from under the bed when I got an alert on my phone saying someone just sent me a life on Candy Crush!  So naturally I opened it up and started playing.  About that time the buzzing below me stopped. 

That’s when Brian walked in to find me laying under the bed with my ear on the floor playing Candy Crush at three o’clock in the morning. 

Brian - What...are you doing?

Me - Playing Candy Crush. 

Brian - Uh huh, okay well good luck then. 

Brian backed out slowly and closed the door behind himself.  Yep, this might be why Brian works nights. 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

Monkeys are Assholes


Monkeys. Love them or hate them, people have been keeping them as pets for a really long time. I used to work at a petting zoo when I was in high school, where part of my job included hanging out with a monkey named Squeaks. I really liked him. I mean, he never went outside and fell asleep against the door locking my inside like the George the Galapagos Tortoise did. That guy was a dick.

 
It was good between Squeaks and I until that one day. We were walking around feeding the guinea pigs when it happened. He shit all down my back, patted me on the head and jumped off. I was pissed! I mean if you have the balls to shit on someone, you have to stick around.

 
From that day on, I haven't liked monkeys.

 
Look at this guy, he just looks like an asshole. He would definitely shit on someone.  That is definitely a communistic hat he’s wearing.
 
 

This is Alf.  Meaning, if you’re going to have a monkey, you can’t have a cat.  Or ya know, company.

 

I think I have seen this guy in the movie Up.  

 

Is this guy wearing dentures? 

 

Oh, and the biggest reason I won’t have a pet monkey.  They are drunks!  It’s embarrassing! 

 
 


Tuesday, March 12, 2013

Abbott Sells Costello a Computer


People tell me all the time that I'm funny, and I just think; you should come to a family reunion. I by far am not the funniest person in my family...I'm just the one that knows how to use a computer...kidding! Except for my Uncle Roger. He only talked to me on the computer for a good two years through forwarding me funny (and completely inappropriate for work) emails. The kind that are really funny, but you really have no idea who actually wrote them because they have circled the globe 18 times, have saved the lives of two African children, 4 whales, and confused the people who shop at Wal-Mart. My cousin Ky, is also one of those really funny people. He wrote this Abbott and Costello skit and I loved it, so I just had to share! Enjoy and if you see this in a forward in the coming months, know that my cousin Ky wrote it and my Uncle Roger probably sent it to you.

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, 'Who's on First?' might have turned out something like this: COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT

 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 

COSTELLO: Thanks I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.

 

ABBOTT: Mac?

 

COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.

 

ABBOTT: Your computer?

 

COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.

 

ABBOTT: Mac?

 

COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.

 

ABBOTT: What about Windows?

 

COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

 

ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?

 

COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

 

ABBOTT: Wallpaper.

 

COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.

 

ABBOTT: Software for Windows?

 

COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?

 

ABBOTT: Office.

 

COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?

 

ABBOTT: I just did.

 

COSTELLO: You just did what?

 

ABBOTT: Recommend something.

 

COSTELLO: You recommended something?

 

ABBOTT: Yes.

 

COSTELLO: For my office?

 

ABBOTT: Yes.

 

COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?

 

ABBOTT: Office.

 

COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!

 

ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.

 

COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?

 

ABBOTT: Word.

 

COSTELLO: What word?

 

ABBOTT: Word in Office.

 

COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.

 

ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.

 

COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?

 

ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue 'W'.

 

COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue 'W' if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? Do you have anything I can track my money with?

 

ABBOTT: Money.

 

COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?

 

ABBOTT: Money.

 

COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?

 

ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.

 

COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?

 

ABBOTT: Money.

 

COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?

 

ABBOTT: Yes. At no extra charge.

 

COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?

 

ABBOTT: One copy.

 

COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?

 

ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.

 

COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?

 

ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!

 

(A few days later)

 

ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

 COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off? ABBOTT: Click on 'START'