My Two Pets

I’m obsessed with having a reindeer farm, gypsies, and PETS.  While we live in Germany, we have to live in a 1000 sq. foot apartment on the fourth floor.  So getting a new pet would be a challenge, since I already have two other pets.  One pet’s name is Shylee, and although she is very friendly she makes big messes all over the house, constantly needs to go outside to be walked, and is always a mess despite constant grooming.  My other pet’s name is Kaydance.  She is very loving (if she feels like it).  She often gets so excited at meal time she drools.  She is not house trained yet either.  Pets always look silly wearing diapers, but Brian insists we keep one on her.  One night I saw in infomercial for fake grass that your pets can use to go potty on.  Brian ruined my plans when he said she’d never use it.  Stubborn pets. 

My pets are always following me around too.  I haven’t found a pen or a hitching post that will work yet.  I tried putting them in a kennel one time, but Brian had to ruin that too and let them out.  He ruins all of my good plans.  The pets follow me EVERYWHERE.  I assume it’s because I taught them “heel” and they just never forgot it.  I’m a great teacher. 

So now I have to run away faster than them and shut the door and lock it before they get to me.  Of course in our apartment, the only door that locks is the bathroom door.  I’ve locked myself in the bathroom before only to find little fingers come in under the door.  It’s like a scene from a zombie movie.  You know they’re searching for you.  They want you and they’re not leaving without you.

My big pet talks.  “Mom, what are you doing?  Can I come in?  Want me to read you a book while you go potty?” 

“I’m not going potty; I’m hiding from you in the fetal position on the bathmat.”

So as you can see, I am an excellent candidate for getting a new pet.  Only this time, I want one that doesn’t take a whole year just to learn to walk, one that can start potty training at eight weeks, and one that doesn’t give me dirty looks if I do pigtails when she wanted braids.  Compared to my pets, I think a pet lion would be easier to keep.  I will stay up late tonight researching pets I should consider.  If it is a big animal like a zebra or zonkey (zebra-donkey hybrid) I will have to look into putting a poop shoot and net on the balcony. 

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Gypsies and Pick-Pocketers

I don’t just get interested in things, I get obsessed with things.  I have been obsessed with having a reindeer farm, harem pants, eating vegan (not eating vegans, that’s gross), blogging, and Iceland just to name a very few.  On our road trip my in-laws mentioned the Italian Gypsies, so I looked into them.  The Roma Gypsies are descendants from Romania who (for the most part) live in big dirty settlement camps.  My mother-in-law told me a story about a woman they know who went to Italy and the gypsies gassed their room and stole their valuables.  Then I became obsessed.  I read about them every time I got Wi-Fi.  I read a story about a baby-nabbing teenager, and how some gypsies are pick-pocketing pros.   I was on a mission to find the “bad” gypsies (since even in the ginger community not everyone is a bad guy...well in theory at least).  I left a Euro sticking out of my back pocket and when someone would get close...I would spin around to face my pick-pocketer!  I didn’t find any pick-pocketers this way, but I did hit several people with my backpack, including Brian who wasn’t even a little bit impressed with my detective skills. 

Plan B.  The Baby Decoy.  I put the backpack in the stroller and carefully covered it with a blanket and walked around the corner before the rest of the family.  I would leave the stroller and walk away about 10 feet to look at something.  No one noticed that I had left a stroller all by its little lonesome except Brian who would walk up holding the baby and grab the stroller and yell at me, “Damn it Chelsea, why do you leave stuff just laying around everywhere?”  Seven years of marriage and he still asks me that question weekly.  Despite my best efforts to get someone to steal my baby, no takers. 

Plan C.  The Stakeout.  Brian and I were sitting at a table drinking an espresso, because only tourists drink cappuccinos after 11...obviously, or so I learned after three days of drinking cappuccinos all afternoon.  I left five euro out on the edge of the table as bait.  If you know me well, you know that I was desperate because I like spending money like Brian likes cleaning up after me “all the time”.  Kaydance dropped her bottle so I bent over to pick it up.  When I came back up, the money was gone!  Damn gypsies, I didn’t even see anybody walk by the table.  They’re good. 

Update:  Upon doing laundry when we get home I learned that my little gypsy Shylee waited until no one was looking and took the money and stuffed it in her pocket. 

Update numero two:  I did find a pick-pocketer after all.  Maybe I should stop leaving my stuff lying around. 

 

Update numero three:  I am still obsessed with gypsies, and owning my own reindeer farm.

Image from www.fineartamerica.com

 

I googled "reindeer farmer" and was excited to see another ginger on a reindeer farmer.  Then thought, Oh god, what is she doing to that poor reindeer baby?  I promise not to do this to a reindeer or a gypsy.

 

Kindergartener Induced PTSD

We’re back from our vacation!  I missed all of my Ginger Riotters who give me a daily dose of validation and support.  We had a great time, but just like always it’s nice to come home.  In fact I’m a homebody.  The night we got home I locked myself in my bedroom, laid on my bed and watched Bones in the candle light for a good three hours.  What can I say?  Once an introvert nerd, always an introvert nerd I guess.  I did have a really good time though.  We drove from Germany to Austria, Venice, Verona, Florence, Rome, Pisa, Milan and Switzerland.  We weren’t planning on stopping in Switzerland but when the cops are looking for you and give you a two car parade, how can you refuse?  This post isn’t about Switzerland though...because Brian has a gag order on me to not talk about it.  When that’s lifted, or when he takes his eye off of me, I will share.  For now, we’re going to talk about the van ride.  We were on the road for seven days, and in those seven days 25 hours of it were in the van.  Have you ever ridden next to a five year old for a WHOLE day trapped in a car?  If you care about your sanity, or don’t want to go to jail don’t do it!  No one would switch me places either.  Assholes.  Actually they thought I was the asshole. 

 

This is what really happened:

Shylee:  (20-something-brain-piercing-wrong-lyricing-hours-of-singing-later) WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK POO! 

Me:  It’s rock you, but can we please just have some silence?

Shylee: (Ignores me and keeps singing great songs completely wrong.  She might as well be Britney Spears.) 

Me:  Hey, come on.  Let’s be quiet for five minutes.  Momma is going to tie your pony tails under your chin so you can’t open your mouth.

Shylee:  (Keeps singing)

Me:  Please Shylee.

Shylee:  Want to hear a song?

Then I lost it.  Remember... 20+ hours of singing!

This is what everybody else heard:

Shylee:  Want to hear a song?

Me:  Holy shit.  I don’t want to ever hear another song ever again.  If I hear another song I am going to stuff hamsters in my ears and let eat my brain.  No more singing ever again.

She gave me a sad face, and everyone else gave me a “You’re such an asshole” look.

This is what really happened:

I’m super sensitive to gluten so there are only so many snacks I can eat on a car ride.  On one stop I got out to change Kaydance’s diaper and got back in to find that Shylee ate my gluten free jerkey.  Another stop I got back in to find Shylee had eaten all of my gluten free fruit, and then I found Shylee one bite away from eating the last of my chocolate (gluten free).  Mind you, she had tons of snacks she said she wanted, and could have eaten instead.  She also knew that those other snacks “make mommy sick”.  When I found my beloved chocolate had been murdered, I just looked at her in disbelief since I had told her repeatedly to leave the momma snacks alone.  She held the last little piece of chocolate out to me and said, “Oh hey mom, want some?”  That’s when I lost it.

This is what everyone else saw and heard:

Shylee:  Offering me a piece of chocolate, saying, “Oh hey mom, want some?” 

Me:  Shylee!  Are you kidding me?  Why would you eat my chocolate?  You are riding on the roof all the way home?  Better yet we’re dragging you on your sled so you can eat mud, because its gluten free and you LOVE gluten free food.  Where is your sled?

Shylee wasn’t a bit bothered by what I had to say, in fact she kept whispering, asking me when she could ride on her sled behind the van.  Everyone else thought I was an asshole.

This went on with nose picking, mouth breathing, licking the window, and lots of annoying things that no one should be subjected to.  Don’t judge me, you don’t know what it’s like to have Kindergartener induced PTSD.