Ginger Riott: Black Friday Shopping

How was everyone’s Black Friday shopping? At midnight I was up! Not because I was going shopping but because the assholes who live in the apartment below me set their alarm for midnight. After about 20 minutes, their alarm finally silenced. Until three o’clock, then again at five. It went off for about 20 minutes each time before they finally shut it off. I got to spend about an hour thinking about the mean pranks I would like to do to my new neighbors to get back at them. At six o’clock when their alarm went off for the final time, it woke up the baby. I decided that pulling pranks on my neighbors would get in the way of me killing them.

I’m guessing that my neighbors missed the good Black Friday deals as much as I did. It’s not that I don’t love shopping, I’m just scared of a mass mob of the 3Ps (Professional Penny Pinchers). You know who they are, they’re the ones that you get in line at the grocery store and they whip out the Trapper Keeper of coupons. Mutherfucker, where was she hiding that? You can find a 3P when you’re looking at the last blouse (on sale and in your size!). A 3P will get right beside you. Then get closer. And a little closer and as soon as you let your hand off that blouse the bitch swoops in like a momma eagle over a scrawny lamb, then disappears, with your blouse! You never really see a 3P until it’s too late. And Black Friday is like darkness to cockroaches, they just come out of the woodwork.

Not only am I not a 3P, I hate big crowds, and the two together bring back my PTSD of Black Fridays before. I remember being kidnapped (because really who gets into a truck with three crazy 3P women at three o’clock in the morning to score a bunch of loot?). I know I was only used for my sweet pre-gaming skills of packing a cooler backpack of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and juice boxes. Then when we would get out to the parking lot, they would always “suddenly” remember that I am a professional load planner, and who better to load the truck? And I say truck, because I am told only “newbs” go Black Friday shopping in a car.

So today instead of going Black Friday shopping, I shopped online. I didn’t find anything I needed to buy, but I did find this.

And then I wished I hadn’t shopped at all. It's a gadget to firm up your face. They say you just need to put in this mouthpiece and make mouth movements for about three minutes a day to get a youthful look.