Toddlers Are Like Parrots

Toddlers are like parrots.  You see a picture of them and think, ‘Ahh, they’re so beautiful!  I want to bring one in my house and keep it as a pet.’  That’s how they get you.  Then you get them into your once serene and clean house and they fuck that all up. 

There is shit tore up all over the place, they bite your guests (and you pretend like you are so surprised and act like they have never done that sort of thing before), the squawk from the time they see the sun in the morning until you put the towel over their cage and the end of the night.  They spill their food all over the floor.  They hear you cuss (while you’re picking up all of the shit they just threw around your floor) and they follow you around repeating the bad words. 

You can convince yourself that they are domesticated, but really you know they would be happier living out in the wild where all the other wild, loud, scary things are.  So please, if you are considering bringing a toddler or a parrot into your house, do yourself a favor and leave them at the zoo.