Trent

Brian: Do you work with a guy named Trent?

Me: Trent sounds like someone who wears sweater vests so I'm guessing he's a supervisor of some sort. I know a Paul who wears sweater vests, will he do?

Brian: No. I'm looking for a specific person.

Me: Change your friend Steve's name to Trent. I can help you call him Trent too.

Brian: No, he'll be like WTF, why are you calling me Trent?

Me: I have access to his Outlook admin, I can change his name to Trent on his email. That'll help with the concussion. (I didn't see that my phone auto-corrected to concussion until later. I meant to type confusion).

Brian: What? He doesn't have a head injury.

Me: Ooh yeah, that's a good idea. Need help with that?

Brian: Nevermind.

Shylee Gets A Haircut

I walked into Shylee’s after school program to pick her up and the staff handed me this little gem.

Shylee was at art center at Kindergarten when she apparently decided to declare warfare on her bangs.  Her teacher sent this note along with the evidence.  To be completely fair, I never told her not to go to school, grab a sharp object and start cutting off body parts (or hair).   I don’t think she did a bad job, but I will never tell her that in an effort to keep her from attacking her other follicles.

Chelsea:  I think Shylee is going to be an Emo.

Brian:  What?  Why?

Chelsea:  Look, she’s a cutter.

I showed him the bag and he gave me a look like, WTF?

Brian:  Shylee, why did you cut your hair today? 

Shylee:  Dad, I need a haircut!  (Looking at him like, obviously. Who the hell asks a silly question like that?)

Brian:  Okay, well we will take you to get your haircut, but please don’t cut your hair again.

Shylee:  Okay, Daddy.  Can I get an expensive haircut like Momma?

Brian:  Sure, whatever you want.  Just don’t cut your hair anymore.

That gave me an idea.

Brian made me give her the money back and took her to get her hair cut by a professional.  Whatever that means.  I’m pretty sure getting paid to do a service is considered being a professional, Brian! 

I guess it turned out all right ;-)

And in the end, I got even for having to give the money back.

Snip snip mothafucker                           :-)





 

Good bye, Agent 5

I would just like to preface this with; I am not always an ass.  Some people are just shit salesmen, and we aint buying today.

When I got to work I went and found my boss to discuss Agent 5’s morning meeting.  We went over my side of the story.

Me:  This guy’s an idiot.

Boss Man:  (sighs) Ok, well let’s just get this over with.  Is there anything we should know before he gets here?

I laughed and recounted the last couple of weeks with him.  Looking back, I did forget to mention the part of me speaking all Yoda on the radio, calling the LT to get out of coming in on a Sunday, and day dreaming of using a dart gun on him.  I feel that is something that should just be assumed though.

Me:  Also, I did use the F bomb on him.

Boss Man:  How many times?

Me:  Twice.  I enjoyed it twice.

Boss Man:  (sighs again) Well unfortunately, he has you there.  You lost your professionalism when you dropped the F bomb and I don’t think I will be able to help you there.

He was right, I was bad.  Was it worth it?  No. If I knew that it was going to get to this level and that I knew he was so offended by bad words I would have gone all out.  I am disappointed in myself for only dropping the F bomb.  I tear up when I think of all the other little four little words that never got their day to fly through the air and slap him in the face.  None the less, I decided to play nice(ish) for the sake of Boss Man, because after all, he does have the power to send me back!

I went downstairs and went to another meeting.  Afterword, I knew that he was expected around this time so I walked to the bathroom, took my time washing and drying my hands, and reevaluated whether I should have gone with a double knot or if I should have just tied the bunny ears together and stuffed them in my boots.  I was undecided so I did one of each.

When I walked out of the bathroom Boss Man was waiting for me.

Boss Man:  He’s upstairs.  Are you ready for this? 

Me: Hells yeah!

Boss Man gave me a dirty look.

Me: Sir,

We walked upstairs to Boss Man’s office where Agent 5 was waiting.  I made myself comfortable ignoring Agent 5 as I am passive aggressive like that, and the only time I like to look at him is when he catches things with his face.

Boss Man:  Ok let’s get this over with.  Agent 5, you can speak first, then Chelsea can have her say and we will go from there.

Agent 5:  I feel like Chelsea disrespected my elite position and rank when she...

Boss Man: Uh, what elite position is this again?

Me:  He’s a scheduler. 

Agent 5:  No!  I am an Airfield German/ American Escort Liaison.

Boss Man:  What does that mean?

Agent 5:  Well, I schedule the people below me to go out and work.

Me: Buahahaha (I had been doing my best to not laugh, and went back to holding it in after this outburst.)

I got a dirty look from Agent 5 and he continued.   I lost interest and started wondering if it was closer to breakfast time or lunch time.  It’s always a tricky situation.  After a certain time of day I don’t really want breakfast food anymore...

Then Agent 5 said I hurt his feelings and insulted him by dropping the f bomb.  I looked over to Boss Man who clearly can’t believe he is spending his time listening to this shit right now.

Boss Man:  Ok Chelsea, what do you have to say.

Me:  Well first, I would like to thank you everyone for coming out today.  It means a lot...

Boss Man:  Chelsea.

Me:  You’re a terrible leader.  Even if I could get past your face, I still wouldn’t take you serious.  You treated me like I was someone you out rank and is new to this game.  I good sir, am not.  And I am the same rank as you.  But I am smarter, so I win.

Boss Man still sighing.

Agent 5 to Boss Man:  You see?  You see how she disrespects me and my position?

Boss Man:  Have you stopped to think that maybe you shouldn’t use the same approach with someone who is brand new as someone who is the same rank as you?

Two minutes must have gone by, by now.  His hamster is obviously a penguin mass murderer, because no one is alive up there.

Boss Man:  Ok, what have we learned here?  (Looks at his watch)

Agent 5:  I have learned...

And I started thinking...breakfast.  It’s only 9AM, it’s definitely still breakfast time.  I could really go for some...

Boss Man:  What would you like to say Chelsea?  Do you have any regrets?

Me:  I apologize for using the F bomb.

Agent 5:  And?

Me: No, no, that’s it.

Boss Man: Ok I think we’re almost done here.  What should we do with this?

Boss Man picked up a very nicely made letter of counseling and conveniently held it over the shredder.  This guy really spent some time on this.  I mean if he were in a scrapbooking competition...ladies watch out!

Agent 5:  Oh yeah... (he looked down thoughtfully)  I have really worked hard on this.  I just wanted to tell you I worked two hours on this last night, and that is two hours I couldn’t spend talking to my wife.

Me: She’s welcome.

Dirty look from Boss Man.

Agent 5:  And I just want you to know, we might be the same rank but I have been in for over 11 years. 

Me:  And that’s all the further you have gotten?  When do you hit your tenure?  What was it like back then?

Everyone ignores me.

Agent 5:  So I guess Boss Man is telling me I should probably get rid of this.  And I gladly will if you (meaning me) have learned something from this.

Me:  I have! I really really have!!!!!

He tore the papers in half and handed them to Boss Man, who shredded them...I assume to wrap this shit up.

Agent 5:  Did you really learn your lesson here today?

Me: Hahaha no.

Agent 5:  I think you owe me an apology.

Me:  I’m sorry.

Agent 5:  Thank you.

Me: I’m used to working with men.

Good bye, Agent 5.

Agent 5 Has Lady Fingers

To fully understand what happened today, you need to know what happened yesterday....

Yesterday was my last day of escort duty and after I dropped the truck off, I left. I put the keys in the usual hiding spot, grabbed my bag, got in my cute little car and drove away, never to see this place or Agent 5 again…or so I thought.  I went to have lunch with my husband and as I was eating my lunch of French fries and a milkshake (read vegetable and protein shake…milk has protein in it) I got a call from Agent 5.  I ignored it and went back to my lunch.  He called again.  And again.  And left a voicemail.  Ugh… So I called him back

Agent 5: Hello, where are you?

Me: I’m here, where are you?

Agent 5: Come back to work and take the truck to be washed, fill it up with gas, lock all the doors then walk over to my building and drop off the keys on my desk.

Me: No.

Agent 5: You don’t tell me no!  I am your superior and you will do what I tell you to do!

I had a flashback to Inglorious Bastards where Hitler is slamming his fist on the table saying, “NINE! NINE! NINE!” and it made me giggle.

Me: Have you met me?  That doesn’t sound like something I would do.  I prefer to be bribed with shiny objects and small furry yappy things.

Agent 5:  You have 10 minutes to get your butt back in here.

Me:  Where will the rest of me go?

Agent 5:  You know what I meant.

Me:  What were we talking about?  Hold on I have to down the rest of this shake….

2 minutes have gone by before I get back to the phone. The shake was pretty thick and it was getting stuck in my straw so I tried using a fry to get the shake out, but then my fry got stuck and I had to do emergency-straw-fry- freeing-surgery.  This involved me trying to blow out the fry from the top.  I ended up blowing out the fry and the shake all over the place.  Life is so hard.

Me:  I love milkshakes.  Do you?  What’s your favorite flavor?  I like vanilla but I feel a kind of kinship to Strawberry.  I just realized there is a shake flavor for every hair color!

Agent 5:  I do not care about your shake, get in here NOW!

Me:  Only if you say please.

Agent 5:  I will not say please.  You do what I say and I want to see you in my office in 5 minutes.

Me:  You want to see me?  Whoa buddy!  I am a married woman!  Plus you’re not my type.  You have lady fingers.  Like the cookie, only creepier.  I imagine that they’re cold and clammy all the time.  Are they?

Agent 5:  Stop it!!

Me:  Buahahaha did you just tell me to “stop it”?

Agent 5:  You will respect my rank and position.

Me: You’re fucking stupid.

Agent 5:  I am highly offended by your language.  That will be going up the chain, believe me!

Me:  Hello?  Who is this?  Hello?

Agent 5:  You know who this is!  If you don’t get in here right now to take care of this truck I will have the LT put you back in for escort duty with me for another two months.

Me:  I’ll be right in.

I came in and took the truck down to wash rack to be cleaned, locked the doors and took the keys into his office.  He just happened to not be there….chicken.

So at this point I thought I was done with Lady Fingers forever, until I got home and got a call from my boss.  He told me that he had received a call from Agent 5 and he had scheduled a meeting between himself, my boss and me.  This morning we all sat down together.

To be continued….