Tuesday, October 30, 2012

F*ck your sticky notes!!!

This story is from quite awhile ago, but I didn't have a blog then.  So today I'm bringing you home little story. 

In the apartments we live in we have building leaders and assistant building leaders.  They have absolutely no authority or brains.  They are tenants just like us, but have asked housing to treat them special, and in return they get infinite power!  By infinite power I mean they have an extra parking space, get to post obnoxious notes in the hallway, get a handy dandy ticket notebook, and get to keep pet sharks with lasers on their heads in the basement.  One of those is made up.

The housing office brought out placards for their extra parking spots, but it's cold enough out that the glue doesn't stick very well.  This gives me something to do in the mornings when I am waiting for my car to warm up.  I have re-stuck the placards to trees, benches in front of nearby buildings and the top of the building leader's cars. I have to give them credit.  They are constantly re-sticking them to the front of the parking spaces.  They're like squirrels.  They're so annoying but you're amazed at the things they can do.  Building leaders, so damn cute, like a squirrel...with rabies.

Our building leader likes to park his car in the second to last available spot, and sit on the bench waiting for people to park in the only open spot, which just happens to be marked "building leader".  He smiles at them as they walk in the stairwell, waits a few minutes and walks over and writes them a ticket for parking in the "building leader" spot.  What kind of creep just sits and waits outside for someone like that.  It's creepy.  I know he does that because I hide around the corner of the building waiting for him to leave so I can steal his placard. 

The real meaning I wanted to post this story is about an obnoxious note I received last year.  I have attached it.  The building leader was a total snob and like to throw around her husband's rank.  He's been in the military for 2 years.  He doesn't have rank.  After receiving her note, I noticed that she must have grown up in a third world country where girls weren't allowed to go to school.  If I was in that situation, I would want someone to help me too.  So I corrected her English mistakes on the note and gave it back to her.  You're welcome, young illiterate woman, where ever you are.  As much as I disliked her, I refused to make a big deal of it.  That was until my mother in law came to town and got drunk with my husband and our friends downstairs.  At 3 o'clock in the morning I heard her yelling to our neighbor's window, "Fuck your sticky notes!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"  I've asked that my mother in law come to visit often.  Below are the pictures.

High Speed Chase

I was just involved in a high speed chase. The facts that it wasn't at a high speed and I wasn't being chased are irrelevant. We have two main roads. One is 30km (18mph) and one that is a little longer but the speed limit is 50km (30 mph). Today I took the 50km road. I thought, Today, I'm taking this thing at 60km (36 mph)! What are they going to do about it? Nothin! Cee Lo Green and I were singing Forget You pretty loud. When we got to the Ooh ooh ooooh part I saw the po po's party lights, so I did what anybody would do. I swerved over to the edge of the road, threw it in park whispering "omg omg I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." The cop swerved around me and sped down the road, completely ignoring how he intentionally put me in a panic attack. Somewhere in the madness I also unbuckled. I assume it was incase I had to ditch the truck and make a run for it.

Update: Brian has notified me this is not "what anybody would do" so I would like to replace that with, "what any rational person would do".

Monday, October 29, 2012

Hello, my name is Chelsea and I throw food (at 20 mph)

Last week Brian and I were leaving the house in his car when our neighbor stopped us. He waved us down so Brian hit the brakes. The moment he did, a coffee cup came flying off the top of the roof spilling coffee all over the car hood and the road. I thought, "Hey there's my coffee" like I had been looking for it. In between yelling at Shylee to get out of the road, buckling up Kaydance who already had one shoe off, and dumping half my purse on the ground, I forgot that I had put it up there. I got out half thinking, hey maybe my coffee is still mostly full sitting upright in the road. Coffee coffee everywhere, but not a drop to drink. I got back in the car. "God damnit Brian!" "What? You can't blame me for this." "Asshole." "You're an asshole." Remembering there were little ears in the car we turned around to find Shylee trying to hold back the laughter. We made eye contact and she lost it. Everyone was happy again so I stole Brian's coffee and we drove on.

Today I was leaving for work and got into second gear so I could play "Only the Gas" game. I like to see how far I can go without having to touch the brakes or change gears in my manual transmission car. It usually results in really rough speed bumps, slight traffic backups, and flying around roundabouts really fast. So today I was playing and I built up speed going down a big hill. I flew into the round about and out the first exit. As I did, something flew right by my window. In slow motion as it went by I realized, hmm I think I left my lunch on top of my car. You'd think Saran wrap and a paper plate would stand up more to pavement at 20mph. Being as I didn't want to lose at my game and there was somebody behind me, I didn't stop for my lunch. The woman in the mini can behind me did though. In my rear view mirror I watched the woman leap from her van and run to the lunch, which was really more of a buffet now, then run back to her can and drive on. I hadn't heard that money was usually stacked on literal flying saucers covered in Saran wrap, but apparently it's out there. Also, I don't recommend driving behind me around meal times.

Automatic Transmission

I hate driving a manual transmission. Not because it's hard to drive or to remember when to shift, but because I look like a complete idiot when I go back to an automatic. And of course, at work Agent 5 makes me drive an automatic truck. (Not that he has anything to do with this, but I hate his guts so I am blaming that on him.)  The other day at work I was coming up to a roundabout and in my thinking, I thought I was going to press in the clutch. So I pressed my foot down like I would on my clutch, instead, the brakes were there so I hit the brakes instead. Hard. I was almost rear ended by a German who wasn't impressed. I assume he was cussing at me because he thought I was just another American who can't drive a manual. You're wrong! I'm an American who can't drive an automatic. Ha! Don't you feel silly.

Agent 5 F*ck Off

You know when you get to that point when you dislike someone so much you can't make eye contact with them, but as soon as they turn around you mean mug the shit out of the back of their head? That's where we are. Although Agent 5 chooses to stare at me the whole time we're talking. I need to remember my dart gun Monday.

To be truthful I really said, "you're stupid" but when typi
ng this I found that, "fuck off" sounded much better and since this is my story to tell, we're going with, "fuck off". Except if you read it mom.

Agent 5: I need you to reschedule your yearly physical because it doesn't work with my schedule.

Agent 11 (me): No

Agent 5: You can't just tell me no like that. I'm this team's leader.

Agent 11: Oh then what did I just tell you? I heard myself say no, but maybe I'm hearing things.

Agent 12: You need to watch your tone with us. We're in charge here.

Agent 11: You're a 35 years old and have never been promoted. You have bigger problems to worry about than my tone. And if we're being professional, you need to watch your tone with me. 

Agent 12: You're being unprofessional.

Agent 11: Fuck off

Agent 5: That's very unprofessional. When one link of our chain is down, we're all down. You are going to watch your tone with us.

I did a curtsy and in my kindest voice said, "Fuck off", and walked out.

20 minutes later I got a text message from Escort 5.

Agent 5: Have u rescheduled ur appt

Agent 11: No

Agent 5: I need u 2 cancel so some1 is in ur spot. I would but ill b in office taking care of some things.

Agent 11: Why don't you just take everyone who's on day shift and everyone who's on night shift and flip them. Then move everyone counter-clockwise to a new location. Then take everyone's truck from the original locations and move them clockwise to a new location.

Agent 5: what would that achieve?

Agent 11: I would be able to make my appointment and still come to work that way.

Agent 5: that might just work. ok sounds good.

Agent 11: Do people still type like that? I didn't think anybody still did that.

No reply.

Agent 5 #2

More fun with Agent 5:

I have been warned that my actions could get me in trouble, so my legal advisor, we'll call him Brian, has told me to say this is all a big fun story. Yeah let's call it that. Here is my big fun text messaging history.

Escort 5: Come in on Sunday at 11 so I can sit down with everyone to explain my expectations as the new team lead. Don't be late.

Escort 11 (that's me):...

I won't be late.

Escort 5: Good.

Escort 11: Because I'm not coming in on a Sunday.

Escort 5: Please reply 2 my email stating that and legit reasoning as to y ur unable 2 attend the mandatory meeting.

Escort 11: I do not have access to my email at this time. I have a previous engagement. Since you do not find it rude to schedule over top of me without discussing it, I do not find it rude to not tell you what I'll be doing.

Escort 5: Its mandatory, you'll be there and what did you have planned?

Escort 11: I spoke with the LT today and he was unaware of this "mandatory meeting". I explained my reasoning for not coming in this Sunday. He said he understood and agrees I shouldn't have to cancel that to come in. I assured him you weren't the type of person to question an Officer's decision. We agreed that you're a good NCO like that. Have a good weekend.

Escore 5: You too.

Meet Agent 5

My new "boss" who's the same rank as me pulled up next to my truck and rolled his window down and started talking to me. Since my window was still up, I couldn't hear him, so I returned to watching funny cats on Youtube. He came up to my window and said, "Where's escort 12?". I couldn't hear him very well through the glass so I opened my door. I believe if he were standing up straighter his head wouldn't have stopped my door. He gave me a dirty look and said, "Where's escort 12?". I said "How should I know? I'm not his mother." he said "Oh come on really?" I said, "Really. He's way to old to be my kid." He just stared at me for a few seconds then said, "Where is he Iott?" I said "Call me escort 11, or better yet agent 11. You never know who's listening." I scanned the area for our protection. He stormed back to his truck. He must have known it was unsafe too. He got on the radio and called me, thankfully by my secret name, (probably assuming I'd be more professional).
"Escort 11, escort 5." It could be a trap so I didn't answer. "Escort 11!" He stared at me through his truck window "Escort 11, where is escort 12?" I answered back "Rubber ducky this is Escort 11, Secret, shall I tell you? Grand Master of Jedi Order am I. Won this job in a raffle I did, think you?" He drove away.
Turns out escort 12 was only 20 meters away in the only truck in the open field with us. It was nice of him to come talk to me while I was bored though.