Toddlers Turn Mothers Into Monsters

Toddlers are cruel, cruel little bugs. Today I was talking to my one-year-old daughter, Kaydance.

Me: Can you say Shylee? 

Kaydance:  Sister?

Me: Aww yeah, that's close enough. Sister!  Can you say Daddy?

Kaydance: Uh oh!

Me:  That's actually pretty accurate. He does get in a lot of trouble doesn't he?  Can you say Momma?

Kaydance:  RAAAAAR! 

Me:  That's not very nice. 

Kaydance:  RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR! 

Me:  No really, I have feelings.

Kaydance: RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR! RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR!

Me:  Jesus kid, you're tough. Be nice. 

Kaydance:  RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR!

At this moment we just so happen to be walk up to a woman with an infant. 

Kaydance:  RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR!

Me:  Momma is tired okay! Maybe if you weren't so mean to me I would have time to take a nap and I wouldn't be so angry all the time!!!

The mother of the infant mean mugged me and walked away.  Give it a year lady; then you too will have a mean toddler who makes you feel bad about yourself. 

Kaydance:  RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR! RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR!  RAAAAAR!

It's Not (Always) About Me

I am surrounded by some of the coolest people on the planet.  I could seriously go on and on about them...so I will.

 

Joe Beck is the most talented person I have EVER met. (He just so happens to be one of our best friends so I'm a little biased, but whatever.)  

 

 

So it came as no surprise that his little brother, Zach Beck got a little of Joe's mad skill.  Okay, maybe more than a little.  Check out Zach on iTunes, and download it, because it's awesome.  He's currently ranked 175 on iTunes. 

 

 

https://itunes.apple.com/us/album/chasing-down-a-dream/id602875504

And of course I have to post a link to Joe's music because he's amazing. 

https://soundcloud.com/#stitchjones/ 

His Bad Romance remix is my favorite.  You just have to hear it.  Joe sings, produces and plays more instruments than I know exist.  Granted, that doesn't say much, but luckily his music speaks for itself. 

And while on iTunes, check out Cheetah Camp.  There is a little Meerkat, Zulu, who reminds me of someone.  I just can't put my finger on it.

Oh yeah, it's my one year old Kaydance that little Zulu reminds me of.  Very fitting.

More episodes can be found here, on iTunes; https://itunes.apple.com/us/podcast/camp-cheetah-earth-touch-web/id594450915

Enjoy!

Sledding with the Uncoordinated

On Tuesday I pulled a muscle in my foot doing yoga.  How does that happen?  Then today I was walking down the stairs when I twisted my ankle and landed on my face.  I wasn’t mad, but while I was down there I did notice that our stairwell does need to be swept.  This is nothing new for me.  Gravity is a cruel bitch who likes to have her way with me.  I would like to say that I didn’t pass my clumsiness down to my daughters, but that is not the case.  Remember this important tidbit. 

The other morning when I woke up I checked Facebook and saw that there was a two hour school delay for snow.

Me – (Maybe too loudly)  There’s a 2 hour delay today!

Brian – (Not ready to wake up yet) Good.  You’ll have time to make me coffee.

He often spoils my good times like that.  So I jumped out of bed and started getting dressed because snow + school delay = sledding!  It’s awesome math.  A few minutes later I was standing in the kitchen…making coffee…when Shylee walked in. 

Me – We’re going sledding!!!!!!!!

She was still in her I-just-woke-up-and-don’t-like-loud-sounds-or-quick-movement-stage so when I yelled I scared her a little bit.  She turned sideways really quickly and smoked her face on the fridge.  She stood there confused as to who put that fridge in her way, so I grabbed her little hand and walked her over to the patio door.

Me – Look outside!  We’re going sledding this morning.

Shylee – Oh, because there’s snow?

Me – How else would you sled?  Are you new here?

Shylee – We’re going sledding?!!!!! (Ahh good, someone is home.)

So we got all dressed up in our snow gear, woke the baby up and got her dressed for the snow too and headed downstairs. 

Kayde Baby!!!

Brian went down to the basement and got the sled for the girls and we ran over to the hill and started sledding.  It was an awesome morning, even the part where I realized that poor Shylee is just as coordinated as me.  Love her!

 

The Idea of Parenting vs the Reality

Parenting never goes as planned.  Before you have children, you see other people with children and think, My child will never act like THAT.  Then you have children and think back and laugh....and then cry a little. As a parent I have also learned things go better in your head then in reality. 

 

When  my five-year-old daughter Shylee makes bad choices, she goes to time-out. 

 

In our minds we thought we would send Shylee to time-out to give her a chance to reflect and make better choices.  In reality her little sister Kaydance sees her in time-out and tries to steal it from her. 

 

 

 

Then they fight, because they are both trying to be in time out.  Even after we tell Shylee she can get out, she refuses to leave time-out first.  I usually just leave them to work it out like wild animals.  Eventually the weak one will walk away from time-out first. 

 

 

I was an only child, and I'm not insane, so I don't understand their thinking on this one.

 

With Kaydance we thought we would play games with her like holding her upside down.  In our minds it went better than in reality. 

 

I think in our minds we thought it would be fun to hang her upside down and she would laugh. 

 

In reality, Brian picked her up and she fell right out of her pants and boots.  For the record, she did not laugh. 

 

 

 

In fact she thought we were assholes and was mad at us for the next ten minutes until she saw Shylee in time-out.  

 

 

Get Your Ginger Propaganda!

I don't have a story today, only randomly collected coolness.

Feeling ugly today?  Make-up doesn't look how you want it to?  We've got the fix!  Take off your glasses.  Blurry is beautiful!

 

Also, I made a t-shirt!  This is for all of my Riotters living in Germany!

 

Flavor Flav German style, get it! ;-)

 

Despite this saying, "Flavor Flav", please don't wear saggy pants with it.  Instead, wear them like the Germans, tight and slightly awkward for all.  Please, no saggy diapers either.

 

Okay, then I got carried away and created a bunch of random propaganda.  Here are a couple others.

Because these yoga pants would be awesome advertising in downward facing dog!

 

If you would like My Ginger Riott propaganda, email me at mygingerriott@gmail.com or hit me up on Facebook!  The prices really depend on the demand, so the more who are interested, the cheaper it will be.

 

 

The Much Misunderstood and Under-Appreciated Ginger Child

A friend of mine emailed me the latest news on redheads...yay!

The world’s largest sperm bank is no longer accepting ginger sperm...boo.

 

This is terrible news.  How are we to take over the world if they turn down millions of creepy swimmers?

Since the beginning of mankind, Gingers have gotten a bad rap.  It’s said Adam’s first wife Lilith was a redhead and was kicked out of Eden because she refused to be submissive.  It turns out that single trait has been transferred to every ginger woman ever!  Don’t believe me?  Then by all means, you should go out and get to know a redheaded woman.  Try out my theory.  Mess with her kids or tell her to go make you a sammich.

 

While there appears to be some “negative” ginger traits, I’m here to set the records straight.  Here are the five top ginger “facts”.

1.        They will get bullied in school.

2.       They bruise easily.

3.       They have no soul.

4.       They are sensitive to pain.

5.       Redheads are kinky.

Now let’s see how these “facts” play out.  We can even use the much hated ginger boy in this story.

A Little Story Called the Bully and the Ginger

 

A bully walked around the halls of school taking the lunch money from all the smaller kids when he walked up to the little ginger boy.

Bully - Where’s your money.

Little Ginger - I don’t have any money on me.

Bully - I’ll get it out of you!

The bully then grabbed the little boy and shook him. 

This is what most people see, the rest is highly under reported.

A note falls out of the little ginger’s pocket that says, “Sorry, must’ve left my money on your mom’s nightstand again.”

The little boy dusts himself off and walked to the nurse’s office where he shows her his bruises he acquired all of 2.3 minutes ago.  So the bully, we’ll call him Brian, gets sent to detention and later grounded.  The ginger kid doesn’t have a soul, so he felt no remorse.  The nurse felt bad for the little ginger, so she gave him something for the pain.  Sensitive to pain medicine = little free high!  And the kinky part; yeah that means one day he’ll be out there making more ginger babies.  That is until his sperm get rejected at the sperm bank. 

Always keeping my people down.

I am not Jake Gyllenhaal

I get this question all the time, “Have we met before?  You look really familiar, but I can’t place where I know you from.”  And I answer it the same way every time.  “No, I just have one of those faces.”  When I say this happens all the time, I mean at least once a week.  Either there are a lot of Swedish-Swiss-Dutch-big-cheeked ladies out there or Brian has put me up for free on Craigslist.  Note to self, check Craigslist later.

Today a man came up to me and said, “Excuse me, have we met before?”

Me - I just have one of those faces.

Not-Long-Lost-Friend - Really?  What’s your last name?

Me - Iott

He must have noticed my wedding ring (I don’t polish it until it shines for nothin’!). 

Not-Long-Lost-Friend - What was your name before you got married?

Me - Jones.

Not-Long-Lost-Friend - Man you look like an actress I’ve seen.

I also get this all the time, followed by being questioned about how my time at band camp was, or what it was like being a secretary for Mad Men.  Yes, because all redheads look alike.  Apparently red is the new black.

Not-Long-Lost-Friend - You look like that Gyllenhaalgirl.

Me - Who?

Not-Long-Lost-Friend - You know that girl from Spider Man. Jay Gyllenhol.

Me - You mean Jake Gyllenhaal?

Not-Long-Lost-Friend - Yes!

Me - Oh well he wasn’t in Spider Man, and he is a he.  Not a she.

Not-Long-Lost-Friend - Oh.

Me - Yeah, so...

Not-Long-Lost-Friend - Ok, well it was nice seeing you again.

Me - Yeah, bye.