Sexiest Men Alive

Have you seen the article written by The Onion (http://www.theonion.com) naming Kim Jong Un as the Sexiest Man Alive?  If you haven’t read it, there is a link to it at the bottom of the post.  You’re welcome.  China read the article and took it seriously, later recanting their statement saying they knew it was a prank.  Riiiight.

This got me thinking, who would I put on my Sexiest Man Alive list?  I’m suuuure you’re wondering who I think is sexy too, so here is my list. 

I’m sorry Michael Jackson; I said “alive”...next time.

 

10: Donald Trump

Who cares about the money with a mug like that?  Ivanka obviously chose the wrong one!  Slut.

 

 

 

9: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Sure, you won’t see him sporting a yarmulke anytime soon, but that winning smile is something he never takes off!

 

 

 

8: Rush Limbaugh

Let me tell you, this man has a face for radio! 

 

 

 

 

7: Marilyn Manson

Oh, that’s a man?  Hmm.

 

 

 

 

 

6: Rowan Atkinson

Ditch the bear and cuddle with us, Mr. Bean!

 

 

 

 

5: Steve Buscemi

Steve played the role of a lifetime when he played crazy eyes in Mr. Deeds.  You had me at...wait, which eye is looking at me?

 

 

4: CopperCab

This boy has soul(s)!  This hunk made his debut on YouTube defending our people against South Park’s claim that we don’t have souls.  Not only is he hannnndsome, he will also stand up to cartoon characters that push him to tears.  You’re welcome ladies. 

 

(P.S.  Gingers do indeed have souls.  We steal them from people so any Ginger that doesn’t have at least one soul is such a newb!)

3: Michael Berryman

Michael made his big break in Hollywood in The Hills Have Eyes.  He often portrays mutant bikers, evil undertakers, monsters and other frightening characters. I bet he’s dashing in those roles.  As do most hotties, he has his lucky genes to thank for those swanky good looks. Mikey has Hypohidrotic Ectodermal Dysplasia (a rare condition leaving him with no sweat glands, hair, fingernails or teeth). Grrrrr! We likey Mikey!

 

 

 

 

 

 

2: Jocelyn Wildenstein

Oh, that’s a woman? Huh.

 

 

 

 

 

 

1: Albert Fish

If you like them tough, Albert is the one for you, although he prefers them tender.  This man is a lady killer if I ever saw one.  Eat your heart out ladies.  Albert’s life was so exciting they made a movie about him! It’s called Silence of the Lambs.  Sounds peaceful.  I’m sure he is too.

 

 

Don’t these hotties just make you want to grab them and throw them in a pair of Fundies with you?

Um yeah, me neither.

 

Here is a link where you can get your own.

http://www.amazon.com/dp/B005288PW0/?tag=oddeesidebar-20

And here is a link of the article written by The Onion.

http://www.theonion.com/articles/kim-jongun-named-the-onions-sexiest-man-alive-for,30379/

Go-Go Dancing and Video Games

I’m sick of the video games, so I am going to rant about it.  Here is my rant.  Brian is addicted to video games.  He disagrees and says he just really likes playing them and it’s his way to unwind after working all day.  Yeah, that’s what an addict would say.  Just like the other day, I was trying to talk to him about my future and he was too preoccupied with video games to care. 

Me:  You are obsessed with video games!

Brian:  No I’m not.  (Obvious denial)

Me:  Yes you are!  The other day I was trying to talk to you about my future and you just ignored me and kept playing video games.

Brian:  I don’t remember that. (Making excuses, defending his habit.)

Me:  That hurts my feelings.  Obviously you don’t care.

Brian:  What future plans did we talk about? (The addiction is making him forget things.)

Me:  The go-go dancing!

Brian:  That reminds me, can you get a snack for me please?

Last night I was watching a Louis CK video on YouTube and on the side there was another video for the Conan O’Brien show.  So I clicked on that.  That led me to a video of a motherfucking llama on a surfboard, which led me to a video of a llama dance, and finally ending on a video of some go-go dancing lessons.  It was clearly a linear process.  Anyway, then I started watching go-go dancing videos and decided I want to be a go-go dancer.  So I googled, “How to become a go-go dancer”.  On Yahoo Answers, someone said you just have to be over 18, hot, and a good dancer.  Hey 1/3 isn’t bad!  So I walked over to Brian and yelled, “Hey I want to be a go-go dancer.”  From under his headphones he said, “Wow, that’s nice.”  Obviously he didn’t hear anything I said.  I decided that it would be better to do my go-go dance to prove that I can do this.  In doing a dip I smacked my forehead on the TV stand.  Brian started laughing and said, “What are you doing?” That he noticed...of course. 

I said, “I’m going to be a go-go dancer.” 

Brian said, “You should maybe get a helmet while you’re in training.  Move away from the furniture and sharp objects and show me what you’ve got.” 

So I did an amazing dance (it’s my story), and when I shook my butt he slapped it and said, “Hey can you get me a snack please.” 

Then Brian died. (It’s still my story.)

Lessons I learned;  1.  If you’re going to go-go dance, get a helmet while in training.  2.  Llamas really, really don’t like to surf.  3.  They like to dance.  4. Get your own goddamn snack!  5.  Brian is no longer addicted to video games, because he’s dead.

Go the F to sleep or I'll spray you with chloroform!

To be honest, I don’t really like kids.  I love my kids, and I love my little cousins, but other people's kids are just whatever.  When it comes to my kids, and my little cousins, I mean I really love them.  They are the coolest people I know.  They are so funny and so cute 90 percent of the time.  It’s that other 10 percent…

The other night, Kaydance exercised that other 10 percent.  At 12:30 in the morning she started crying so I drug myself out of bed, giving Brian a dirty look in the dark, obviously mad at him because he just laid there sleeping.  He can be such a jerk sometimes, sleeping and all.  I walked into Kaydance’s room and as soon as she saw me she started laughing.  She had decided today was the day to get up at midnight and play.  She gets her jerkiness from her father I think.  I tried laying her down and rubbing her belly and singing her a lullaby.  No dice.  This brat wasn’t going back to sleep.

Brian got up and met me in the living room.  I sat her on the floor and she just laughed.  There’s nothing funny about being up at midnight when you have to get up for work in five hours.  Then she got up and ran over to her toy box and just started flinging toys out of the toy box laughing.  She’s a monster sent here to destroy me. 

I put her in my lap and tried rocking her in the recliner to get her to go back to sleep and she just wiggled away from me and got down.  I just thought whatever.  She can play and I will go to sleep here in the recliner.  So I stretched out and closed my eyes.  Two minutes later she ran up and bit my big toe!  I said, “Oww!  No, that is not nice!  Bad baby.”  She just giggled and ran away.  So apparently not only is she not going to sleep, no one is going to sleep.  This was definitely the other 10 percent.  So I got out my iPad and we watched a couple videos together. 

Me:  Do you know where we could get chloroform?

Brian:  No, why?

Me:  Just wondering.

Brian:  Are you thinking about chloroforming our daughter.

Me:  It’s just an idea.  I haven’t decided anything.  I got it from this video.

Brian:  You’re just watching those to entertain yourself.

Me:  Why would she get to pick the videos?  She is a jerk.

Me:  (reading aloud to this video) Kaydance, just go the fuck to sleep.

Brian:  What if she remembers you showing her videos of people chloroforming their children and telling her to go the fuck to sleep.

Me:  Then she’ll know not to fuck with me again.

Brian:  I worry about you.

Me:  Good, that means you’re sensible.  Want to watch a video of Hitler dancing Gangnam Style?

I am thankful

This weekend, just like every other weekend, I am thankful.   I’m thankful that this blog has received over 2000 hits in just over a month. I am thankful for my amazing friends who fed my family and me two Thanksgiving dinners.  I am thankful for my health and happiness.  I could write forever about the things I am thankful for.  But the number one thing I am thankful for is my family.  Thank you, thank you, thank you for my family.

Brian and Shylee

 

 Shylee on the swing

 

Brian

 

 Shylee

 Kaydance

Brian and Kaydance

PS That isn't a crack pipe Brian is holding, it's an electric cigarette, that looks like a crack pipe/ travel hookah/ reminds me of the caterpillar from Alice in Wonderland every time he uses it.

Finding My Party Dress

We went to H&M because I needed a holiday party dress.  Sure I have other dresses but those are dumb.  On our way to H&M we stopped at a sandwich shop, a no-public-toilet-because-they’re-gay-like-that sandwich shop.  As soon as I went to take a bite Shylee said, “Mommm I have to pee right now!!!!!!” I just looked at her like, I bet she would be FINE if I just left her in the woods to fend for herself.  She smiled back like Look how cute I can be.  I would get eaten on my first night for sure.  Despite the sign with the sad face next to a WC, I asked the lady behind the counter.  Not only did they not have a public restroom, so no longer spoke English.  I’m sure this was due to a solar flare or momentary mental breakdown. 

So we ate our food super quick and walked outside to find not a single WC sign anywhere. Well, we were going to H&M, so maybe they had a public restroom for a cute little redhead (who was looking less cute to me at the moment).  Brian went up and asked a sales associate. 

“Oh yeah, in the back of the room, right over there,” she said.  She pointed us around the corner behind a big rack of clothes, which happened to be a wall.  Thanks.  I asked another sales associate who said the store next door has a public restroom, so we went there.

We found a sign for the WC on the second floor so we went to the elevator to take the stroller and posse upstairs.  I pushed the button and we waited for six years (time is sped up when you have a kid that has to go to the bathroom right now!).   The elevator doors finally opened and it was completely full of unopened boxes of clothes.  Yeah, because storage rooms are so last season. 

To the escalator it was.  Brian is better at putting the stroller on the escalator than I am, but since I had it, and he was holding Shylee’s hand, that’s how we got on. The reason that I’m so terrible at this is because I can’t get my timing up, and my sense of distance proves itself. The front wheels of the stroller were on one step, the back wheels were on another step, because of the handles I was two steps back which seemed fine until the floor became stairs and I was practically lying on the escalator being dragged up by the stroller.  I saw the end of the escalator coming up so I made a run for it.  I had to apologize to Shylee for hitting her in the back with the stroller and knocking her down.  I can’t help that escalators are tricky mo-fos.

We finally found where the toilets were, in the back of the store. I traded Brian for the stroller, and he gave me Shylee (because since I was so lucky to have girls I will be the only parent taking them to the bathroom FOREVER).  Anyway, I opened the door that said WC, to find three doors marked with symbols for men, women, and handicapped. I went up to the women’s bathroom to open the door and it was locked.  There was a change collector on the door that would take your 50 Euro cents to let you in.  F*ck.  I left my wallet in the stroller.  So back out we went.  I found Brian looking at leather pants in the men’s department, immediately ignored that, and grabbed my wallet.  There was one 50 cent piece left.  Perfect.  We went back to the bathroom and it took my coinage, and remained locked.  “Ahh, you Nazi.”  Shylee reminded me that we don’t say that here..in Germany.  My bad. 

I went back out and finally found my 5’8” husband among 6’ coat racks.  It was a little like going through a corn maze, only the isles were tighter and I had a kindergartener with me telling me she couldn’t hold it anymore.  I got a 50 cent piece from him and saw a sales associate on my way back. I told her that the bathroom was locked and it ate my coinage.  She said she would get housekeeping.  Housekeeping?  We waited for as long as humanly possible (about two minutes of Shylee’s whining) and I put my coinage in the handicapped bathroom.  Voila!  It opened up right away so I said, “Shylee, come on it’s open!” 

Shylee, No!  That’s for wheely people! 

Me:  There aren’t any people in wheel chairs in front of us, let’s just use this.

I was stretched out trying to hold the bathroom door open with my foot because if it closed I would have to go find Brian again and get more change, and grab her to bring her in at the same time. 

I grabbed her by the arm and drug her in as she was yelling, I’m not a wheely person, I’m not a wheely person!

She went to the bathroom, I drug Brian away from the matching leather jackets and we walked back to H&M, just in time for school to be out and every high schooler in the city to show up at H&M and swarm in behind us.  FML.

On the plus side, I did find a cute Christmas party dress.  I can’t wait to go shopping for the accessories to go with it.  I would use the ones I already have, but they’re dumb.  I can’t use those. 

;-)

Ignore the distracting clutter in the background. 

The Parent Rap Video

Oh yeah, and this is freaking awesome!  If you have kids, you can relate. 

Thanks Lauren!

Black Friday Shopping

How was everyone’s Black Friday shopping?  At midnight I was up!  Not because I was going shopping but because the assholes who live in the apartment below me set their alarm for midnight.  After about 20 minutes, their alarm finally silenced.  Until three o’clock, then again at five. It went off for about 20 minutes each time before they finally shut it off.  I got to spend about an hour thinking about the mean pranks I would like to do to my new neighbors to get back at them.  At six o’clock when their alarm went off for the final time, it woke up the baby.   I decided that pulling pranks on my neighbors would get in the way of me killing them.

I’m guessing that my neighbors missed the good Black Friday deals as much as I did.  It’s not that I don’t love shopping, I’m just scared of a mass mob of the 3Ps (Professional Penny Pinchers).  You know who they are, they’re the ones that you get in line at the grocery store and they whip out the Trapper Keeper of coupons.  Mutherfucker, where was she hiding that?  You can find a 3P when you’re looking at the last blouse (on sale and in your size!).  A 3P will get right beside you.  Then get closer.  And a little closer and as soon as you let your hand off that blouse the bitch swoops in like a momma eagle over a scrawny lamb, then disappears, with your blouse!  You never really see a 3P until it’s too late.  And Black Friday is like darkness to cockroaches, they just come out of the woodwork.

Not only am I not a 3P, I hate big crowds, and the two together bring back my PTSD of Black Fridays before.  I remember being kidnapped (because really who gets into a truck with three crazy 3P women at three o’clock in the morning to score a bunch of loot?).  I know I was only used for my sweet pre-gaming skills of packing a cooler backpack of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and juice boxes.  Then when we would get out to the parking lot, they would always “suddenly” remember that I am a professional load planner, and who better to load the truck?  And I say truck, because I am told only “newbs” go Black Friday shopping in a car. 

So today instead of going Black Friday shopping, I shopped online.  I didn’t find anything I needed to buy, but I did find this.

And then I wished I hadn’t shopped at all. It's a gadget to firm up your face.  They say you just need to put in this mouthpiece and make mouth movements for about three minutes a day to get a youthful look.

 

Allow me to translate with what I am SURE she is saying.
 

What good Black Friday deals did you get?

Happy Thanksgiving

I made a few pictures of my family to remember Thanksgiving 2012.

They Jive Turkeys!

 

This picture is only funny because it's true.  Brian HATES it when his food touches.

 

 

I'm thinking about making him a turkey cake.  Oooh yeah, look at all that touching!  The cake is layered with marshmallows, sweet potatoes, turkey, and mashed potatoes all touching the shit out of each other.  Amazing!

 

Picture from Chow.com

 

I thought it was only fair that since I made pictures of my family that I make one of myself.

 

 

And a word from Shylee...

 

Loooooooooove her!

 

 

Monday is Music Day

Who complains about it being Monday on a three day work week?  Me. 

 

The only thing worse than waking up and knowing it's Monday was finding out that Justin Bieber won three separate awards at the American Music Awards (AMA).  He even won best pop/rock male artist of the year.  Jimi Hendrix just died again. 

 

The Biebster then made a shout out to all the haters, “I want to say this is for all the haters who thought I was just here for one or two years. I feel like I’m going to be here for a very long time.”

 

Of course you feel like you're going to be around for a long time.  You're 12 years old!  To you six days is soooooooooooo long.   I'm just kidding.  I'm sure once you get out of middle school, you will have a great future.  The radio station I was getting my news from, topped it off with one of his greatest hits...with Nicki Minaj.  Is he even old enough to listen to her music?  I think there are two kinds of people, those who aren't old enough to listen to Nicki Minaj, and those who are old enough to know she's shit.  If there are any other kinds of people, I don't care.

Whatever, it's Monday, and I'm all about making fun of artists.

 

Jimi Hendrix and Johnny Cash just committed a double suicide.  Happy Monday.

Damn Boys

Do you ever wonder when the battle of the sexes starts in us?  I would now say it starts around five years old. 

Last night I woke up to the sound of Shylee crying so I nudged Brian. He didn’t move.  I nudged him again.  No movement.  So I got out of bed and walked to her room and found her sitting up in bed just sobbing. 

Me:  What’s wrong honey?

Shylee:  (Something very whiny and maybe not English…)

Me:  I can’t understand you.  What did you say?

Shylee:  I had a bad dream!

And she broke down in tears again.

Me:  What was your dream about?

Shylee:  I had a dream that I had a brother and he came in my bathroom and messed it all up.  He left the toilet seat up after he peed, and left toys in my tub, and even threw my (started getting hard to understand again) toothbrush on the floor!!!

I could see that this was a real problem to her so I just wanted to support her.

Me:  What kind of monster would do that?!

Shylee: (Unable to control her tears at all) A BOYYYYYYYYY!

So that is where it starts…damn boys. 

 

Family Guy is here to bring home the message. 

 

Cookie Monster Reads Craigslist

In the movie, The Five Year Engagement there is a scene where the two main character women talk like Elmo and Cookie Monster.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gvps0Q9-UqQ

So of course it made me talk like Cookie Monster for the better part of the morning at work.  I also happened to be looking at Craigslist.  You'd be surprised the things you find on Craigslist!  So would Cookie Monster!

In this ad, someone is selling an overage they have of "medical marijuana" for a donation or trade for a tanning bed, tools, quad or vehicles.  I'm sure it's legit.  Cookie Monster no think so.

Cookie Monster Says...

C is for Craigslist. 

C is for Cannabis.

C is for Colorado.

C is for Canada.

C is for Cops too dumb ass.

 

In this ad, a guy is selling a haunted walking stick.  He claims it is possessed a vampiress spirit who turns lights on and off.  Cash only.

 

Cookie Monster says S is for Stick. S is for Stupid.

 

 In this ad, someone is selling a Hello Kitty tobacco pipe.  They say it's cute and in perfect condition.  I have never seen another Hello Kitty pipe, so I don't really have anything to compare it to.  They also say there's a choke hole on top of her head and you hit it from the foot. I don't know what that means, maybe Cookie Monster can clear this up.

K is for Kitty

K is for Kraaaaaaaaaaaaaack (and it is wack)

 

In this ad, someone was selling a "Fairie haunted spirit walking stick".  I assume a "fairie" is a magical mixture of fairy and pixie with a little bit of illiteracy thrown in for good measure.  They say this stick is haunted by a "fairie" spirit that feeds on sexual energy and makes a great companion for that special guy or gal who is a bit of a dominatrix.  "She can make you feel good" and "protect you from anyone you want her to".  Communicates through telepathy and crystals. 

What say you Cookie Monster?

Cookie Monster says W is for WTF!

 

In this ad, someone is selling a "potty chair".  It's extra special because of their ancestor who passed away on it! 

So we're back to the letter C where we started.  So Cookie Monster, what does the letter C for?

Cookie Monster says;

 C is for Chair.

C is for Crap.

C is for Creepy.

C is for Craigslist entertaining Chelsea!

 

 

 

 

Turtles for Porn

Warning: This post is slightly explicit and unsuitable for children, as I assume all posts named "Turtles for Porn" are.  If you are offended by porn or by turtles, check back in tomorrow.  

I'm not a personal fan of porn, but I don't really have anything against it. It's just not for me. For those who don't really get into it, I think there are two usual thoughts.  Either WTF, this is seriously going to give me nightmares, or buahahahaha.  I tend to be a mixture of both.  Brian was on FB the other day and mentioned how, "Fucking advertising is everywhere these days".  It got me thinking.  What if there were advertising everywhere, even in pornographic movies. How would they display an ad? Digitally? Pop-ups seem redundant...if you know what I mean...and I know you do.  I assume they would attach a sign to an animal's back and have the animal walk across the set in front of the camera.  Dogs and cats would probably get frightened and run across the set, not giving the ad companies enough air time. They'd have to use turtles I assume.  I believe this is the future of advertising in porns.

I think this is what they'd look like, and hell yeah, I did draw that turtle!

 

I looked up past and present ads to see what the turtle's sign would say. You'd think that I'm being a perv in this case, but after reading the ads, I'm not the one who's the perv. Or at least I'm on good company. There are tons more out there, but I picked these.  Next time you see advertising, think turtle.

Here are my favorites!

And here are a few more:

Two for me none for you- Twix

Think outside the bun.-Taco Bell

Your potential. Our passion -Microsoft

Melts in your mouth not in your hands - M&Ms

Virgin Atlantic, more experience than our name suggests- Virgin Atlantic

We’re gonna tempt your tummy, with the taste of nuts and honey, its a honey of an O
-Honey Nut Cheerios

Put a Tic Tac in your mouth and get a bang out of life.

Born to perform-Jaguar

Unleash the beast -Monster Energy

Does she … or doesn’t she-Clairol

Life is full of surprises - Life Cereal

Show’em you’re a tiger, Show’em what you can do, the taste of Tony’s Frosted Flakes, brings out the tiger in you, in you! - Frosted Flakes

Where’s the Beef -Wendy’s

Get the Sensation- York Peppermint Patty

We really move our tail for you- Continental Airlines

The art of performance-Jaguar

More fun than Rum-Malibu

Get the Feeling-Toyota

Two scoops of plump juicy raisins - Raisin Bran

Taste the explosion-Pop rocks

Every woman has two sides-Kat Von D Saint & Sinner

The Strength of Experience-GMC Truck

Bet you can’t eat three- Shredded Wheat Cereal

Oh what a feeling-Toyota

Save Your Money!-ING Direct

Crystal gets closer to the body than ever before-Swarovski Crystal Tattoos

It only tastes expensive-Masters Blend

Making people happy-Carl’s Jr.

Can’t Beat the Feeling-Coca Cola

We do it like you’d do it-Burger King

Ch-a-a-a-w-clit!” (Chocolate)- Nestles Butterfinger

One fiddler you won’t have to pay.-Sanka Coffee

Technology you can enjoy-Honda

Delta is ready when you are.- Delta Airlines

Have Fun Out There-Jeep

It’s Different in a Saturn

It makes you feel like the man you are.-Buick

Designed for Action-Pontiac

Now that’s imagination-Plymouth

We Make IT Happen-IBM

 

Honda. First man, then machine-Honda

Go Full Throttle or go home-Full Throttle

 
This post has no affiliation with the actual brands, but is for entertainment purposes only.
 

 

 

 

 

 

Tube it Tuesday

I have finals this week (o yay) so instead of writing about stuff, I am going to post a few videos since that's what I was watching instead of studying. I made sure to use head phones so Brian wouldn't judge me. He always has his judgy pants on. JK Call of Duty just came out so I could blast "This Girl Is On Fire" (appropriate for my hair color), singing along really loud, holding a glass of wine, dancing in the living room and he wouldn't notice....oh spoke too soon. So that he notices. Noted. Anywho, here are the video's for tonight. I hope you enjoy them. I am...while I study.

Big Bang Theory Bloopers

 

I hate Toddlers and Tiara’s so much.  This however I LOVE!

Sexy Feet!  Sexy Feet!

 

If you haven't seen Five Year Engagement, you should. One because it's awesome, and two because this scene would make a lot more sense. I couldn't get the YouTube video to link in, so I will put a picture that has absolutely no purpose. Click on the link.

http://youtu.be/Gvps0Q9-UqQ

 

Happy Tube it Tuesday!!!