Thursday, November 1, 2012

Agent 5 Has Lady Fingers


To fully understand what happened today, you need to know what happened yesterday....

Yesterday was my last day of escort duty and after I dropped the truck off, I left. I put the keys in the usual hiding spot, grabbed my bag, got in my cute little car and drove away, never to see this place or Agent 5 again…or so I thought.  I went to have lunch with my husband and as I was eating my lunch of French fries and a milkshake (read vegetable and protein shake…milk has protein in it) I got a call from Agent 5.  I ignored it and went back to my lunch.  He called again.  And again.  And left a voicemail.  Ugh… So I called him back
Agent 5: Hello, where are you?

Me: I’m here, where are you?
Agent 5: Come back to work and take the truck to be washed, fill it up with gas, lock all the doors then walk over to my building and drop off the keys on my desk.

Me: No.

Agent 5: You don’t tell me no!  I am your superior and you will do what I tell you to do!
I had a flashback to Inglorious Bastards where Hitler is slamming his fist on the table saying, “NINE! NINE! NINE!” and it made me giggle.
Me: Have you met me?  That doesn’t sound like something I would do.  I prefer to be bribed with shiny objects and small furry yappy things.
Agent 5:  You have 10 minutes to get your butt back in here.

Me:  Where will the rest of me go?
Agent 5:  You know what I meant.

Me:  What were we talking about?  Hold on I have to down the rest of this shake….
2 minutes have gone by before I get back to the phone. The shake was pretty thick and it was getting stuck in my straw so I tried using a fry to get the shake out, but then my fry got stuck and I had to do emergency-straw-fry- freeing-surgery.  This involved me trying to blow out the fry from the top.  I ended up blowing out the fry and the shake all over the place.  Life is so hard.

Me:  I love milkshakes.  Do you?  What’s your favorite flavor?  I like vanilla but I feel a kind of kinship to Strawberry.  I just realized there is a shake flavor for every hair color!
Agent 5:  I do not care about your shake, get in here NOW!

Me:  Only if you say please.
Agent 5:  I will not say please.  You do what I say and I want to see you in my office in 5 minutes.

Me:  You want to see me?  Whoa buddy!  I am a married woman!  Plus you’re not my type.  You have lady fingers.  Like the cookie, only creepier.  I imagine that they’re cold and clammy all the time.  Are they?
Agent 5:  Stop it!!

Me:  Buahahaha did you just tell me to “stop it”?
Agent 5:  You will respect my rank and position.

Me: You’re fucking stupid.
Agent 5:  I am highly offended by your language.  That will be going up the chain, believe me!

Me:  Hello?  Who is this?  Hello?
Agent 5:  You know who this is!  If you don’t get in here right now to take care of this truck I will have the LT put you back in for escort duty with me for another two months.

Me:  I’ll be right in.
I came in and took the truck down to wash rack to be cleaned, locked the doors and took the keys into his office.  He just happened to not be there….chicken.

So at this point I thought I was done with Lady Fingers forever, until I got home and got a call from my boss.  He told me that he had received a call from Agent 5 and he had scheduled a meeting between himself, my boss and me.  This morning we all sat down together.
To be continued….