Monday, June 10, 2013

Dinosaurs Are Taking Over My Life

I have come to the conclusion that dinosaurs have taken over my life. 

Reason 1:  About a week and a half ago, I started on the Primal/Paleo/Caveman diet.  Look it up, if you haven’t heard about it.  I have cut out all of the junk from my diet and have lost about 7lbs and a pant size already.  So technically cavemen weren’t around during the time of the dinosaur, but they were in the cartoons that I watched when I was a kid, so it totally counts.

Reason 2:  My daughter, Shylee, has become obsessed with the movie Jurassic Park.  We have watched it about seven times in the last couple of weeks.  I even have dreams about dinosaurs.  While watching Jurassic Park during the first couple of days of starting my nearly no carb diet, I realized I would fuck up a dinosaur to get to some ice cream.  I mean not a velociraptor, because they are like the strung out Lindsay Lohan's of the dinosaur world, but I would take out a pterodactyl for sure.  Also I want a triceratops to ride around the neighborhood.  I would be like, “This is neighborhood watch 10,000 motherfucka.”  That’s the diet talking. It makes me a potty mouth.

Reason 3:  My best friend, Colleen, recently went on vacation to Florida and has been drinking out of a Jurassic Park coffee cup.  I hadn’t told her that I had been watching it every single brain draining minute of my life for two weeks, but she just happened to be drinking out of it at the same time.  The most shocking part...she didn’t even invite me to Florida.  Email me if you’re interested in filling my BFF opening.
Reason 4:  I thought I heard a dinosaur outside my window.  It happened to be a momma fox looking for her baby, but it’s a totally understandable mistake.  Have you ever heard a panicked fox?  I was woken up at one o’clock in the morning to the freakiest sound.  At first I thought one of my kids was choking in their beds, so I flew out of bed.  By the time I got to my door I realized the sound was actually coming from out the bathroom window, so I went to the window to open it.  The sound was so freaky.  I thought, ‘What the hell is that?  Is someone strangling a turkey?  That’s ridiculous.  It must be a dinosaur strangling a turkey.  That makes more sense.’  Then to my surprise it was just a cute little fox.  If you have never heard a fox check out this video, or go to the link below if you are on a mobile device.  At the end of the video is the alarm bark, which is what I heard.  Tell me that doesn’t sound like a dinosaur strangling a turkey! 
 Did someone make this sign for me?