Reason 1: About a week and a half ago, I started on the Primal/Paleo/Caveman diet. Look it up, if you haven’t heard about it. I have cut out all of the junk from my diet and have lost about 7lbs and a pant size already. So technically cavemen weren’t around during the time of the dinosaur, but they were in the cartoons that I watched when I was a kid, so it totally counts.
Reason 2: My daughter, Shylee, has become obsessed with the movie Jurassic Park. We have watched it about seven times in the last couple of weeks. I even have dreams about dinosaurs. While watching Jurassic Park during the first couple of days of starting my nearly no carb diet, I realized I would fuck up a dinosaur to get to some ice cream. I mean not a velociraptor, because they are like the strung out Lindsay Lohan's of the dinosaur world, but I would take out a pterodactyl for sure. Also I want a triceratops to ride around the neighborhood. I would be like, “This is neighborhood watch 10,000 motherfucka.” That’s the diet talking. It makes me a potty mouth.
Reason 3: My best friend, Colleen, recently went on vacation to Florida and has been drinking out of a Jurassic Park coffee cup. I hadn’t told her that I had been watching it every single brain draining minute of my life for two weeks, but she just happened to be drinking out of it at the same time. The most shocking part...she didn’t even invite me to Florida. Email me if you’re interested in filling my BFF opening.
Did someone make this sign for me?