Sunday, March 10, 2013

Cookie Cookie Poo Pants


Last night we loaded up the girls, and drove to watch the awesome Roller Girls of the Apocalypse bout.  We got to the top of the bleachers so we could see the whole ring.  It was awesome.  Brian said, “I think I would really like this if I knew what was going on.”  I gave him half answers because every time I would start to explain it, I would end with, “Oh man, did you see that?”

Brian said, “I still have no idea what is happening.”

Right after he said that I readjusted my hold on my one-year-old daughter Kaydance.  Hmm.  Something felt off.  I turned her around and saw the last thing any parent wants to see.  Her pants seemed to be spewing something brown, sticky and squishy.  It was all over my arm, her pants, her jacket and now my shirt. 

Me - Holy shit!

Shylee - What’s going on?

Brian - Time to go!

I took off running with Kaydance down the bleachers, past Wonder Woman (she was there) and ran out the emergency door.  I didn’t really care at that point if the alarm was going to ring because being covered in poop in my mind is an emergency.  I ran out the door, down the stairs and down the street back to our car.  Brian and Shylee came running behind us. 

I was yelling, “Unlock the car! Unlock the car!” as I was running down the street.  Kaydance just looked confused, like “What is going on here?  Did I miss something?”

We got to the car and I said, “Brian, hold her while I get the diaper bag open.”

He said, “Haha NO!” 

So I said, “Okay well then pull her shoes off while I hold her up.”  I held her under her armpits while Brian tried to get her shoes off.  Of course she was wearing little high top chucks that have to be untied to come off. 

As we were in a semi-state of WTF, a nice little German couple walked by and Shylee said,
“She just pooped herself.  Everyone poops.  It’s no big deal.”  I wouldn’t have cared as much if she would have been pointing to Kaydance and not me.

We got her shoes off, and then I yanked her pants off...yep in the parking lot.  I have a Mini Cooper convertible.  It’s not big enough to do this kind of special procedure in.  After I yanked her pants off, something seemed strange.  I looked in her diaper.  No poop.  How is that possible?

Me - Brian?  Look in Kaydance’s car seat. 

Brian - (Like he’s dying) Oh god!  Oh god!  It’s everywhere.  You touch it!

Me - Why do I bring you?  I don’t think its poop.  Could it be something else?

Brian - Hey there’s a bunch of cookies beside the car seat.

Turns out the girls had stolen a bag of chocolate chip cookies out of the grocery bag last time we were coming home from the store and had stored the cookies in the back seat.  Kaydance had sat on them on the way to the roller derby bout, and they had all melted and been smooshed against her bottom.  For the record, smooshed and melted chocolate chip cookies smeared on a baby’s butt highly resembles poo.  This also explains Kaydance’s confusion. 

We cleaned out the car seat and decided that since she didn’t have a change of pants in the car we should go home.  It was an awesome 15 minutes of the bout we got to watch.  Next time we’re getting a babysitter!  This experience has also ruined chocolate chip cookies for me.