Monkeys are Assholes

Monkeys. Love them or hate them, people have been keeping them as pets for a really long time. I used to work at a petting zoo when I was in high school, where part of my job included hanging out with a monkey named Squeaks. I really liked him. I mean, he never went outside and fell asleep against the door locking my inside like the George the Galapagos Tortoise did. That guy was a dick.

 

It was good between Squeaks and I until that one day. We were walking around feeding the guinea pigs when it happened. He shit all down my back, patted me on the head and jumped off. I was pissed! I mean if you have the balls to shit on someone, you have to stick around.

 
From that day on, I haven't liked monkeys.

 
Look at this guy, he just looks like an asshole. He would definitely shit on someone.  That is definitely a communistic hat he’s wearing.

 

 

This is Alf.  Meaning, if you’re going to have a monkey, you can’t have a cat.  Or ya know, company.

 

I think I have seen this guy in the movie Up.  

 

Is this guy wearing dentures? 

 

Oh, and the biggest reason I won’t have a pet monkey.  They are drunks!  It’s embarrassing!