Friday, December 21, 2012

Good Pet Bad Pet

It was the best of pets; it was the worst of pets, and I’m still currently obsessed with pets.  I have come up with a list of acceptable pets and unacceptable pets for me.  Your list of acceptable pets could be completely different depending on your needs.  Remember, pets like children and husbands are there for you, not the other way around.  I can say that because Brian doesn’t read my blog.  It goes without saying that children are hands down the worst pets of all.  Despite children, here is a list of my favorite and least favorite pets to have.  All of these facts I found on the internet, so of course it is safe to assume they are 100% correct.

Worst Pets

5:  Butterflies

You would think that butterflies would make excellent pets, but you are thinking about the pretty full grown, brightly colored butterfly.  Imagine the heartbreak of getting a little larva to call your own, raising and nurturing it, only to find out that out of the cocoon pops a motherfuckin moth!  Butterflies only live in their “pretty stage” for at most a year.  Even goldfish will hold out longer than that.  Have you ever tried playing catch with a butterfly?  They suck.  Butterflies have taste receptacles in their feet.  I can see my kids now, putting their feet on the table and me yelling at them.  “Ah, but mom, Flutters is doing it.” 

4.  Chickens

Sure, they can supply you with a healthy breakfast, but it’s just not worth it.  There are more chickens on earth than there are humans.  Sounds like a takeover to me.  And with Gingers on a constant decline, I will be eating chicken tonight!  Chickens are also the closest living relative to the T-Rex.  I can see myself coming home after work to a dark house and as soon as I step in the living room the TV flashes on to the scary T-Rex scene from Jurassic Park (you know, the bathroom one, such a shitty way to go).  After calming down from a near panic attack I would see the chicken just clucking it up on the couch with the remote.  Chickens are assholes like that.

3:  Scorpions…and not for the reasons you’d think

Did you know if you put a scorpion under ultraviolet lights they glow neon blue?  Anyone who glows blue and doesn’t whistle while they work are freaks.  They rely on vibrations to tell them about their environment.  That with the neon part insinuates that they are true clubbers and party animals.  I’m way too much of a home-body for that shit.  Strangely enough, scorpions are also sensitive to sunlight.  Ugh that position has already been filled, pointy ass.

2:  Jellyfish

Despite the name, these brainless/cunning little creatures are not actually fish.  They are transparent, and seeing as they live in water they would most likely be kept in the bathtub.  This would cause some problems.  After my daughter gets out of the bath she often forgets to drain the water, so I go in after her and put my hand down in the water to drain it.  That’s when the cunning jellyfish would attack 7 Pounds style.  A group of jellyfish is called a smack. I don’t even like “Smacks” cereal.  Jellyfish have been around for about 650 million years, technically making them a dinosaur.  We have already discussed problems that can come from associating with dinosaurs.  The largest known jellyfish according to the interwebs was eight feet and its tentacles were half the length of a football field.  Try coming home to that and not pooping.

1:  Penguins

They might be cute, and dressed for an occasion, but don’t let them fool you.  They are slow as shit.  What do you do with a penguin during a zombie apocalypse?  You leave them behind and run because they are super slow and heavy, so you will get eaten.  The zombie probably won’t even try to eat the penguin because I have never seen a zombie eating a penguin in a movie, so it’s safe to assume they are too fishy.  Penguins don’t live at the North Pole.  I feel that they gave out false advertising when I was a kid.  They can stay under water for 20 minutes at a time.  Try playing Marco Polo with your pet penguin.  No don’t, because you will die.  And they are birds…that don’t fly.  That’s like being an optimistic ginger.  What’s the point?

Best Pets

5:  Zonkey

A zonkey is an exotic mix of zebra and donkey.  I would have to keep mine on my balcony since I don’t have a yard, or pen.  Since my neighbors that live below me are semi-retarded, I wouldn’t mind putting in a small hole in the patio floor and teaching my zonkey to poop there.  Great pay back for waking my kid up at one o’clock in the morning because you’re sooo cool.   It’s nice living in the penthouse (except on grocery day).  For the record, my mother-in-law and I are the only ones that refer to my 4th floor apartment as a penthouse, but we can.  So we do.

4:  Kangaroo

Kangaroos have big thighs, so when I’m sitting at home feeling fat, Kanga would sit next to me on the couch and put her arm around me and give me that I know, me too look.  Kangaroos eat grass.  When we move back to the states and Brian says, “Hey did you mow the yard today?”  I could be like Kanga did it while I was watching Dr. Phil (since Oprah is off the air).  They can surprisingly also swim.  Who needs Lassy when you have a kangaroo?  Kangaroos also have super powerful back legs that can be deadly.   I can keep one in my trunk when driving places.  If someone tries to attack me, I will just pop the trunk.  Car jack me and I will kangaroo yo’ face!  Plus after we become good friends, Kanga will let me keep my car keys in her pouch so that I always know where they are.   That will save me a good 15 minutes EVERY morning.

3:  Ferret

Back when Brian and I first got married, we had a pair of ferrets.  Sure they smelled but they were living in Brian’s house (we had to live in different states for our jobs) so I was fine with it.  Anyway we would play with them in a way that dogs and children will let you down.  Did you know you can “bowl” with ferrets?  It’s awesome.  You just roll them into a ball and chuck them like you would a bowling ball.  I would say they’re dumb because they just keep coming back for more and more; but I can’t say they’re dumb because they were too awesome to call them that.  I also put their poop in a paper bag and left it at the door stop of someone I didn’t like.  Dog poop ain’t got nothin’ on ferret poop.

2:  Chimpanzee

Sure, they have been in the news for attacking their owners and strangers, but I feel that they have been overlooked for their true potential.  I would like to have a chimp that can come to work with me and sit on my desk.  When someone walks in who I don’t want to help, I can say, “Now toot-toot (because that would be his name).”  And he would use his long chimp arms to slap them across the face and point to the door.  Then as they leave he can laugh at them in only the way that a fucking chimp can.  Potential achieved. 

1:  Sloth

Not only do they come in two stylish varieties, two toed or three toed, but they are just fucking awesome.  They move so slow that algae grows on their fur.  This would be handy for a number of reasons.  Only a dead mailman wouldn’t be able to run away from your pet, you would always know which direction is north and your pet isn’t going to judge you when you spend all day on the couch watching a Bones marathon.  In fact, he’ll probably think you are extremely active for getting up to pee every four hours.  Sloths only pee once a week.  They’re perfect apartment pets.  Sloths also have an extra vertebra in their necks allowing them to turn their heads 270 degrees.  New yoga partner?  I think so.  I bet they would look awesome in some yoga pants. 
What's your perfect pet?