Friday, December 28, 2012

Jam it in the Hole and Watch it Light Up


The end of the world was originally supposed to happen on December 21st.  Then it almost happened again today.  The unimaginable happened.  My laptop died and wouldn’t take a charge!  Next to buying makeup two shades off or finding no close parking spots at the store, this tops the list of First World problems.  I screamed for Brian who thought there was a fire when he came running in the room.  He just stood there looking around the room for this imaginary fire that must be here for me to scream like that.  Sure, like I would just sit cuddling with my laptop if there was a real fire.  I of course would have grabbed my computer and ran down the stairs yelling for Brian to grab the girls and my shoes and come down quickly; had it been a fire. 

“My laptop is dead!” I said.  Brian just rolled his eyes and walked out.  He added, “I think there is an extra charger in the spare closet”.  Insert thunderous choirs of doom here.  We have seen the floor of this 8’ x 8’ dungeon of darkness three times in the year and a half that we have lived here, which means, according to my records, I have lost something irreplaceable about three times.  Shylee also knew what it meant when she saw me starting to rampage the closet.  I saw her run away, run back, pick up the baby, and run away again. 

With the civilians out of the way, I tore through all of the boxes and every shelf in the dungeon.  It was nowhere to be found.  So I went back through all of the boxes again.  Mutherfucker!!!   I then went through all of the closets, under every bed, in and under the couch, through the desk drawers and hundreds of places that I have only seen about three other times in my house.  At one point I heard Shylee tell Brian she thinks Momma is having a nervous breakdown.  Brian came in to find me lying on the floor of Kaydance’s room like a lost and depressed starfish.  To my own credit, I was just lying there thinking about how awesome it would be if there were a beeper like on my car key fob so that every time I was looking for something I could hit the button and whatever I needed would start beeping so I could find it.  It would be my luck that this magical beeper would run on batteries.  Then of course its batteries would die and I would never be able to find more because I got so used to relying on the beeper, which is now dead.  Thus the depressed star fish look. 

So then I decided...hey maybe I can fix it!  Insert choirs of angels singing here, illuminated with soft white light.  I looked at the port where the charger plugs into and saw that the prongs had separated a little.  So I found another charger with a smaller plug and jammed it in there as hard as I could.  It shoved those two little deviant plugs together.  I plugged my old charger back into it and voila!  It now works...for the time being.  My boss just happened to call me minutes after this revelation so I just had to tell him.  Mind you, he is the boss over all things computer for the whole building.

Me:  Hey I just fixed my laptop.

Computer Boss:  Did you use anything I tought you at work?

Me:  Um, yes I think so.

Computer Boss:  What did you end up doing?

Me:  First I tried jamming pliers into the charging hole, but then I decided to use something smaller and jammed it in there instead.  It worked!

Computer Boss:  OMG, I have failed.

Me:  What were you calling about?

Computer Boss:  I have no idea.  Have a good day.

Me:  You too, sir.

I think I stunned him with my awesomeness. 

PS  I was originally going to call this “It’s Fine to Just Jam it in the Hole”, but Brian said, “Classy Honey”, which of course means it wasn’t classy at all.  He calls it sarcasm or something, so I went with the given title.