Monday, December 17, 2012

Kindergartener Induced PTSD

We’re back from our vacation!  I missed all of my Ginger Riotters who give me a daily dose of validation and support.  We had a great time, but just like always it’s nice to come home.  In fact I’m a homebody.  The night we got home I locked myself in my bedroom, laid on my bed and watched Bones in the candle light for a good three hours.  What can I say?  Once an introvert nerd, always an introvert nerd I guess.  I did have a really good time though.  We drove from Germany to Austria, Venice, Verona, Florence, Rome, Pisa, Milan and Switzerland.  We weren’t planning on stopping in Switzerland but when the cops are looking for you and give you a two car parade, how can you refuse?  This post isn’t about Switzerland though...because Brian has a gag order on me to not talk about it.  When that’s lifted, or when he takes his eye off of me, I will share.  For now, we’re going to talk about the van ride.  We were on the road for seven days, and in those seven days 25 hours of it were in the van.  Have you ever ridden next to a five year old for a WHOLE day trapped in a car?  If you care about your sanity, or don’t want to go to jail don’t do it!  No one would switch me places either.  Assholes.  Actually they thought I was the asshole. 


This is what really happened:

Shylee:  (20-something-brain-piercing-wrong-lyricing-hours-of-singing-later) WE WILL, WE WILL ROCK POO! 

Me:  It’s rock you, but can we please just have some silence?

Shylee: (Ignores me and keeps singing great songs completely wrong.  She might as well be Britney Spears.) 

Me:  Hey, come on.  Let’s be quiet for five minutes.  Momma is going to tie your pony tails under your chin so you can’t open your mouth.

Shylee:  (Keeps singing)

Me:  Please Shylee.

Shylee:  Want to hear a song?

Then I lost it.  Remember... 20+ hours of singing!

This is what everybody else heard:

Shylee:  Want to hear a song?

Me:  Holy shit.  I don’t want to ever hear another song ever again.  If I hear another song I am going to stuff hamsters in my ears and let eat my brain.  No more singing ever again.

She gave me a sad face, and everyone else gave me a “You’re such an asshole” look.

This is what really happened:

I’m super sensitive to gluten so there are only so many snacks I can eat on a car ride.  On one stop I got out to change Kaydance’s diaper and got back in to find that Shylee ate my gluten free jerkey.  Another stop I got back in to find Shylee had eaten all of my gluten free fruit, and then I found Shylee one bite away from eating the last of my chocolate (gluten free).  Mind you, she had tons of snacks she said she wanted, and could have eaten instead.  She also knew that those other snacks “make mommy sick”.  When I found my beloved chocolate had been murdered, I just looked at her in disbelief since I had told her repeatedly to leave the momma snacks alone.  She held the last little piece of chocolate out to me and said, “Oh hey mom, want some?”  That’s when I lost it.

This is what everyone else saw and heard:

Shylee:  Offering me a piece of chocolate, saying, “Oh hey mom, want some?” 

Me:  Shylee!  Are you kidding me?  Why would you eat my chocolate?  You are riding on the roof all the way home?  Better yet we’re dragging you on your sled so you can eat mud, because its gluten free and you LOVE gluten free food.  Where is your sled?

Shylee wasn’t a bit bothered by what I had to say, in fact she kept whispering, asking me when she could ride on her sled behind the van.  Everyone else thought I was an asshole.

This went on with nose picking, mouth breathing, licking the window, and lots of annoying things that no one should be subjected to.  Don’t judge me, you don’t know what it’s like to have Kindergartener induced PTSD.