I was standing in front of the mirror in my yoga pants and tank top when Brian walked by.
Brian: What are you looking at?
Me: My love handles. I’m thinking about naming them.
Brian: Ah, you don’t have love handles.
Brian: It’s just your insides trying to get out.
So after that awkward conversation I decided to go to Zumba…and get in another awkward conversation.
After a great Zumba workout where I successfully managed to get nearly half of the steps right, I was putting my sweat pants back on over my yoga pants, when my Zumba instructor walked up.
My Zumba Instructor: Hey I haven’t seen you here in a while.
Me: Yeah I’ve been trying to manage my AIDS.
MZI: You have AIDS?!
Me: Well I have two auto-immune diseases and nobody ever understands what that is, and they don’t have acronyms, so I refer to them as my AIDS.
MZI: So you don’t have AIDS?
Me: (Sigh) no.
MZI: Uh okay.
Me: But I did enjoy Zumba tonight. I love these middle school dance throwbacks.
MZI: Middle school throwbacks?
Me: Yeah, you know, since Zumba is just like a middle school dance.
MZI: I don’t think it’s like a middle school dance. I think it’s more like the club.
Me: I have been to the club before and this is nothing like that. The first time I went to the club was on my 18th birthday. My friends and I were dancing when this crazy French woman came up and gave me what I would call a standing lap dance. It was really awkward so my friends ditched me and went back to our table while I was trapped there in a scary rendition of Moulin Rouge. I didn’t know what to do so I just stood there trying not to make eye contact. Most girls get creepy old guys hitting on them. I apparently attract extremely flexible French women who may be under the influence. That’s never happened to me at Zumba before. Or a middle school dance for that matter.
MZI: Oh, uh huh. Well there are some crazy things that happen here. A few months ago a woman busted a move, and then busted her ass on the floor.
Me: That was me. And apparently you never saw me at middle school dances.
MZI: Well I still don’t see Zumba looking like a middle school dance.
Me: Sure it is. Only girls are dancing, the only song we really know all the moves to is Cupid Shuffle, and most of us are wondering if we have time to grab ice cream before we have to be home.
MZI: I think most people here are watching their calories.
Me: Oh I’m thinking about grabbing some ice cream after if you want to come. Ice cream is one of the foods that doesn’t make my AIDS flare up. I have to be home by 7:30 though, so we won’t have time to make origami fortune tellers or bead BFF necklaces.
MZI: Like in middle school?
This is when she just walked away. No BFF necklace for her!
Enjoy this video on making your own origami fortune teller from a man with snazzy music and furry hands.