I was standing in front of the
mirror in my yoga pants and tank top when Brian walked by.
Brian: What are you looking
at?
Me: My love handles. I’m thinking about naming them.
Brian: Ah, you don’t have
love handles.
Me: Thanks.
Brian: It’s just your insides trying to get out.
What?
So after that awkward
conversation I decided to go to Zumba…and get in another awkward conversation.
After a great Zumba workout where
I successfully managed to get nearly half of the steps right, I was putting my
sweat pants back on over my yoga pants, when my Zumba instructor walked up.
My Zumba Instructor: Hey I
haven’t seen you here in a while.
Me: Yeah I’ve been trying to
manage my AIDS.
MZI: You have AIDS?!
Me: Well I have two auto-immune diseases and
nobody ever understands what that is, and they don’t have acronyms, so I refer
to them as my AIDS.
MZI: So you don’t have AIDS?
Me: (Sigh) no.
MZI: Uh okay.
Me: But I did enjoy Zumba
tonight. I love these middle school
dance throwbacks.
MZI: Middle school
throwbacks?
Me: Yeah, you know, since
Zumba is just like a middle school dance.
MZI: I don’t think it’s like
a middle school dance. I think it’s more
like the club.
Me: I have been to the club before
and this is nothing like that. The first
time I went to the club was on my 18th birthday. My friends and I were dancing when this crazy
French woman came up and gave me what I would call a standing lap dance. It was really awkward so my friends ditched
me and went back to our table while I was trapped there in a scary rendition of
Moulin Rouge. I didn’t know what to do
so I just stood there trying not to make eye contact. Most girls get creepy old guys hitting on
them. I apparently attract extremely
flexible French women who may be under the influence. That’s never happened to me at Zumba
before. Or a middle school dance for
that matter.
MZI: Oh, uh huh. Well there are some crazy things that happen
here. A few months ago a woman busted a
move, and then busted her ass on the floor.
Me: That was me. And apparently you never saw me at middle
school dances.
MZI: Well I still don’t see
Zumba looking like a middle school dance.
Me: Sure it is. Only girls are dancing, the only song we
really know all the moves to is Cupid Shuffle, and most of us are wondering if
we have time to grab ice cream before we have to be home.
MZI: I think most people
here are watching their calories.
Me: Oh I’m thinking about
grabbing some ice cream after if you want to come. Ice cream is one of the foods that doesn’t
make my AIDS flare up. I have to be home
by 7:30 though, so we won’t have time to make origami fortune tellers or bead
BFF necklaces.
MZI: Like in middle school?
Me: Yes!
This is when she just walked
away. No BFF necklace for her!
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