Tuesday, January 1, 2013

It's a New Year, Get Your Ass to the Buffet!


Life is like a Vegas buffet of knowledge.  The more knowledge we think we can consume and put away, the more room we have just made on our plate to be filled up again with fresh new knowledge that we must try to put somewhere.  Unfortunately, it isn’t served by beautiful cocktail waitresses that only Vegas can provide.  Instead we are served these lessons, or plates of knowledge, by people who press our buttons, people who we want nothing more than to judge the density of their skulls with a cast iron skillet and the little monsters we gave birth to.  For the record, I have only hit one man in the head with a skillet, but that’s a story for another time.

The magic of New Years is the promise of a new start, and a new calendar!  All of our failures and regrets are officially in the past and we begin anew.  In the past, my resolutions have been vain.  I have nothing to hide, these are just the lessons I’ve learned from past plates at the buffet.  My biggest wishes for myself have been to lose weight and look hot in a slutty little dress, make wads of cash, and “find myself”.  Oh these first world problems.

This year, I’ve decided my resolution is to be present and grateful.  That’s it.  I have no other expectations.  Worrying about weight is not the legacy I want to leave to my daughters.  Being healthy and feeling beautiful is.  If I made wads of cash, it would only result in me walking around the house looking confused, wondering where I put that cash.  Meanwhile Brian would be downstairs sneaking expensive new parts on his car.  And as for me, I’ve always been here.  I find myself in my writing, and in my relationships with the people I love, and the ones I hit with skillets.

So in this New Year, enjoy letting go of your failures and regrets.  It’s all in the past.  And when someone is making you mad, know that they are just serving you another life lesson.  Slap them on the ass, tell them they’d look good in a cocktail dress and move on.  Cheers.