Saturday, November 24, 2012

Finding My Party Dress

We went to H&M because I needed a holiday party dress.  Sure I have other dresses but those are dumb.  On our way to H&M we stopped at a sandwich shop, a no-public-toilet-because-they’re-gay-like-that sandwich shop.  As soon as I went to take a bite Shylee said, “Mommm I have to pee right now!!!!!!” I just looked at her like, I bet she would be FINE if I just left her in the woods to fend for herself.  She smiled back like Look how cute I can be.  I would get eaten on my first night for sure.  Despite the sign with the sad face next to a WC, I asked the lady behind the counter.  Not only did they not have a public restroom, so no longer spoke English.  I’m sure this was due to a solar flare or momentary mental breakdown. 
So we ate our food super quick and walked outside to find not a single WC sign anywhere. Well, we were going to H&M, so maybe they had a public restroom for a cute little redhead (who was looking less cute to me at the moment).  Brian went up and asked a sales associate. 
“Oh yeah, in the back of the room, right over there,” she said.  She pointed us around the corner behind a big rack of clothes, which happened to be a wall.  Thanks.  I asked another sales associate who said the store next door has a public restroom, so we went there.
We found a sign for the WC on the second floor so we went to the elevator to take the stroller and posse upstairs.  I pushed the button and we waited for six years (time is sped up when you have a kid that has to go to the bathroom right now!).   The elevator doors finally opened and it was completely full of unopened boxes of clothes.  Yeah, because storage rooms are so last season. 
To the escalator it was.  Brian is better at putting the stroller on the escalator than I am, but since I had it, and he was holding Shylee’s hand, that’s how we got on. The reason that I’m so terrible at this is because I can’t get my timing up, and my sense of distance proves itself. The front wheels of the stroller were on one step, the back wheels were on another step, because of the handles I was two steps back which seemed fine until the floor became stairs and I was practically lying on the escalator being dragged up by the stroller.  I saw the end of the escalator coming up so I made a run for it.  I had to apologize to Shylee for hitting her in the back with the stroller and knocking her down.  I can’t help that escalators are tricky mo-fos.
We finally found where the toilets were, in the back of the store. I traded Brian for the stroller, and he gave me Shylee (because since I was so lucky to have girls I will be the only parent taking them to the bathroom FOREVER).  Anyway, I opened the door that said WC, to find three doors marked with symbols for men, women, and handicapped. I went up to the women’s bathroom to open the door and it was locked.  There was a change collector on the door that would take your 50 Euro cents to let you in.  F*ck.  I left my wallet in the stroller.  So back out we went.  I found Brian looking at leather pants in the men’s department, immediately ignored that, and grabbed my wallet.  There was one 50 cent piece left.  Perfect.  We went back to the bathroom and it took my coinage, and remained locked.  “Ahh, you Nazi.”  Shylee reminded me that we don’t say that Germany.  My bad. 
I went back out and finally found my 5’8” husband among 6’ coat racks.  It was a little like going through a corn maze, only the isles were tighter and I had a kindergartener with me telling me she couldn’t hold it anymore.  I got a 50 cent piece from him and saw a sales associate on my way back. I told her that the bathroom was locked and it ate my coinage.  She said she would get housekeeping.  Housekeeping?  We waited for as long as humanly possible (about two minutes of Shylee’s whining) and I put my coinage in the handicapped bathroom.  Voila!  It opened up right away so I said, “Shylee, come on it’s open!” 
Shylee, No!  That’s for wheely people! 
Me:  There aren’t any people in wheel chairs in front of us, let’s just use this.
I was stretched out trying to hold the bathroom door open with my foot because if it closed I would have to go find Brian again and get more change, and grab her to bring her in at the same time. 
I grabbed her by the arm and drug her in as she was yelling, I’m not a wheely person, I’m not a wheely person!
She went to the bathroom, I drug Brian away from the matching leather jackets and we walked back to H&M, just in time for school to be out and every high schooler in the city to show up at H&M and swarm in behind us.  FML.
On the plus side, I did find a cute Christmas party dress.  I can’t wait to go shopping for the accessories to go with it.  I would use the ones I already have, but they’re dumb.  I can’t use those. 
Ignore the distracting clutter in the background.