To be honest, I don’t really like kids. I love my kids, and I love my little cousins, but other people's kids are just whatever. When it comes to my kids, and my little cousins, I mean I really love them. They are the coolest people I know. They are so funny and so cute 90 percent of the time. It’s that other 10 percent…
The other night, Kaydance exercised that other 10 percent. At 12:30 in the morning she started crying so I drug myself out of bed, giving Brian a dirty look in the dark, obviously mad at him because he just laid there sleeping. He can be such a jerk sometimes, sleeping and all. I walked into Kaydance’s room and as soon as she saw me she started laughing. She had decided today was the day to get up at midnight and play. She gets her jerkiness from her father I think. I tried laying her down and rubbing her belly and singing her a lullaby. No dice. This brat wasn’t going back to sleep.
Brian got up and met me in the living room. I sat her on the floor and she just laughed. There’s nothing funny about being up at midnight when you have to get up for work in five hours. Then she got up and ran over to her toy box and just started flinging toys out of the toy box laughing. She’s a monster sent here to destroy me.
I put her in my lap and tried rocking her in the recliner to get her to go back to sleep and she just wiggled away from me and got down. I just thought whatever. She can play and I will go to sleep here in the recliner. So I stretched out and closed my eyes. Two minutes later she ran up and bit my big toe! I said, “Oww! No, that is not nice! Bad baby.” She just giggled and ran away. So apparently not only is she not going to sleep, no one is going to sleep. This was definitely the other 10 percent. So I got out my iPad and we watched a couple videos together.
Me: Do you know where we could get chloroform?
Brian: No, why?
Me: Just wondering.
Brian: Are you thinking about chloroforming our daughter.
Me: It’s just an idea. I haven’t decided anything. I got it from this video.
Brian: You’re just watching those to entertain yourself.
Me: Why would she get to pick the videos? She is a jerk.
Me: (reading aloud to this video) Kaydance, just go the fuck to sleep.
Brian: What if she remembers you showing her videos of people chloroforming their children and telling her to go the fuck to sleep.
Me: Then she’ll know not to fuck with me again.
Brian: I worry about you.
Me: Good, that means you’re sensible. Want to watch a video of Hitler dancing Gangnam Style?